I keep knocking on different doors but it seems I'm knocking on the wrong ones. Some of them may open but the minute they see me those doors close right back. It is basically impossible to count all those doors, all my fingers and toes are not enough to count them. There are moments when I'm surprised and stunned of myself, I'm surviving what seem to be the worst moments of my life when I have nobody by my side, when I've made the worst possible decisions but for some of them I can't be entirely blamed, I will not accept it, I won't admit of doing wrong.
I keep thinking that there is more than this for me, I want to believe that for all the misery I've been through, life will make up for all of it.
Damn, isn't this a boring blog ? I've made my best at doing a good job, I've excelled in blogging, more than others, I've asked for advice, I ignored it most of the time but I eventually came around and made this blog look more positive and warmer even if the content lacks positivism and warmth.
I'm getting tired of asking for help, I'm getting tired of screaming when nobody seems to hear so if you wanna read my blog, this article, anything, it's up to you. I want to pay you with respect more than I want bigger ratings and popularity.
I've thought of ending this misery many times but I can't understand why I can't go trough with it, either I'm coward or because of the empathy I feel for others, I can't possibly know about the impact I had on others to think about them and how me, leaving this world would affect them but every time I hear about somebody leaving this world because they couldn't take it anymore my heart aches and most of the time in a literal way. It's killing me that in most of the cases there is nobody to help those in desperate need. As long as I'm not sure that my leaving would bring pain to somebody I won't do it. Maybe I'm hanging in with hope that someday I might be somebody's reason to stay and fight, that someday I might save a life.
There is to much pain in this world, that's why I want to feel nothing. What could be more ironic ? The load of pain I feel or the high level of empathy I've been "blessed" with ?
I'm still here, taking the bits of joy every now and then, from wherever I can, my favorite music, favorite TV shows and favorite movies are the only things that keep me alive, but if I were to whine (what I usually do) I'd say that they also reminds me of what I could have but never will.
This is it for now.
