Self Expression Magazine

An Unexpected Victory

Posted on the 09 October 2015 by Onestory
Guess what I've gone and done?
I've drawn up my own meal plan, and I'm feeling quite pleased with myself. The last few months, I've been wrestling with the idea, but up until yesterday, I really thought it was beyond me. It wasn't a lack of knowledge that prevented me from doing it, but the overwhelming emotion I've attached to food. To do it, I had to detach myself from my anxieties, step out of my eating disorder and leap across a great divide to get at the rational, healthy side of my brain.
It had to be done. On my restriction days, I'm now down to 7 miserable items of food: carrot; apple; piece of frozen bread... The same things, in the same order, at the same time of day. If I'm not doing that, I binge and then spend hours with head stuck down the toilet. It is no way to live.
When I sat down to do the plan, I put on my 'clinician's' hat, and pretended I was doing it for somebody else. That kept the eating disorder beast quiet for a bit (it's actually not as clever as I thought). I could approach it with care, look at what 'the client' needed and make a plan that was safe. I added some challenges and variety, and stuck to the calorie requirements. When I was finished, I had a nutritionally sound eating plan, with none of the wishy-washy, Shrewsberry biscuit nonsense that my dietician had recommended. Better still, it's laid up in a nice tight, colourful grid, with plenty of boxes for me to tick. Exactly what I needed!
How's that for success?
Tomorrow, I am doing this plan. That's it.
An unexpected victory

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