And I Am in Love, and I Am terrified.There Goes Katharine...

And I am in love, and I am terrified.
There goes Katharine, my cue that I should stop. I calmed myself. I had to immediately change my mood before my sister notices it. I stopped.
But tears still fell.
I silently sat at the veranda, wrapping myself tighter with the cardigan to warm myself. That was the second time that I sobbed because of him. I had to cut our conversation so that he wouldn't notice.
Indeed he didn't.
I shouldn't feel this way. I knew from the beginning that everything will change and it would be very tough especially for me. I don't want to consider it as a hasty decision because I was aware of it. I wanted it. I consciously agreed to it. And now here I am, repairing my heart that suffers disappointment almost every day.
What I fear most these days is not of losing him one day, though I am almost certain that it would not happen. I fear of losing myself along the way. For days I've been in conflict with myself. I don't know what is it with me that I suddenly wanted to go back to the old me. Those days when I was unattached, when I never had to care for someone so much. I can't remember anymore. I can no longer feel how I was before. And I am scared.
In the end I was the one who broke down. I am confused with myself. And I despised that he had to ask why. He told me to not think about it too much and that I have exams. He said I should not think of what makes me mad. Yes, easier said than done.
Nobody said it was easy yet how come everyone wants to be in it? And how do they manage to come out alive?