I will say it again and again. I do not understand women and I guess I never will. I can only hope to find someone who realizes that I am a brain-dead goof, the masculine gender of the homo-sapiens, and she will tell me what she wants instead of using hints and innuendos. How am I going to know when “yes” means “no” and “What?” is basically a hint that I must change what I just uttered.
I saw a lovely lady at a gym and I knew her from somewhere. Where? When? I went up to her and amazingly she managed to look right through me. Me, the almighty Bigfoot! I went up to her and said “I know you from somewhere!” She looked at me and said “That is the lamest pickup line.” She then turned away from me. Lady, I can think of much lamer pickup lines. First of all, I was not trying to pick you up. Second, your loss! Where do I know her from?
I know, an online dating site! Well, she can stay single with that attitude.
I was given the number of a lady named Elana. What a nice name. When I was told her name, it already sounded good. Her voice sounded so sweet and sort of sing-song. She told me that she was 175 cm with blond hair. I must admit that I am attracted to tall, blonde haired women. I think she had a bit of a lisp as she had a problem saying s and when she called me sweetie, it actually sounded like tweety and I wondered what Twitter had to do with anything. Can anyone explain to me why the word “lisp” has an s in the middle, making it difficult for someone with this problem to even say the word? I wonder what the iPhone 4S Siri function would say? “Who is Tiri? I do not understand Tiri?” We made a date to meet.
I was looking forward to this tryst and had conjured up my own image of my date, Goldilocks. What showed up was a 161 cm woman with black hair. Is this the same girl? The lisp is there. Is this any way to start a date?
We sat at a coffee house and chatted and I really knew that she was not for me. I could get past the deceit and the lisp but she was an awful conversationalist. Knew nothing about anything. The kind of person who thinks that the capital of Texas is T. So, I paid for coffee and walked her to her car. I gave her a light kiss on the cheek and said good night.
The next day, the text messages started. “I had a wonderful time, please call.” When you get 10 of those in a single morning what are you actually supposed to do? It just so happens that I asked my friend to answer the phone while I was on another call. It was her! She said she would wait. When I came on the line, the tears started about why I did not return her messages.
I looked up and there she was in front of me, at my cubicle! She then started raising her voice and telling me that she wanted to meet me again. My boss, who is also a friend, comes out to see what is happening and called us into his office. After hearing everything, he turned to her and said that he does not want to see her in the building again. He turned to me and said, if one of my lady-friends every come yelling in the office again, I am out. Fortunately he is a Monty Python fan and said “Nudge, nudge”. I think he was telling me that it was a show for her.
The security guards came to escort her out the building. Maybe the men in the white coats should also be on hand?
I think Elana was suffering from an acute case of Crazy Lady Syndrome, or as I like to call it “CLS”. Who knows how far this could have gone? Is my police file still clean?
