Je suis là!Illustration by Blanca Gomez
Since coming back into town, it has been so nice catching up with my friends. The welcome back that I've received from real-life friends to cybermates has been truly heart-warming, reminding me that I am home. This sure as hell beats last year where I was the least popular girl in town. In fact, so unpopular that I went back to buying phone credits at the tabac because my 45 euros a month plan was a waste of money. But it's a new year with new friends, and if I had to go through all of the bullshit of last year to find these incredible people, it was well worth the trouble. No one ever said that good things come easy.
Thanks to social networking, news of my return traveled fast and my e-mail and Facebook in-boxes were bursting with notes from friends wanting to meet up. Ok, I'm exaggerating, it hasn't been "bursting" but there have been enough that make me feel special and loved. Isn't that what we're all looking for?
Now that it has been a week and have touched base with my core posse of friends, the dust has settled on the commotion of my return and my in-box is back to normal with messages from the two people I speak to probably more than I speak my mother; Brett and Thomas.
I woke up this morning and had two messages waiting for me in my Facebook message box. Expecting it to be from one of them wanting to shoot the shit on chat and looking forward to them filling me in on the Superbowl, I was disappointed to learn that it was not from Brett or Thomas, but but rather from MF...and Lucien. Double whammy! It's like I have a GPS on me where ex-boyfriends are alerted when I'm in Île-de-France.
MF's message read as if we were old friends who haven't caught up in a while: "I haven't received any news from you! I know you are in Paris...you have my number! Bise."
News? Why do I owe him any news? Since I refuse to play the puffy coat game, we are not friends and I'm still very upset with him about many things, he will not be getting any "news" from me anytime soon. Next..
Lucien's message was less annoying but still presumptuous: "Hello! I see you are in Paris. Let's take a coffee at Café Le Basil."
Oh geez. Lucien is sniffing around like he does every year to see if I am dating someone. Lucien doesn't bother me, in fact I find him extremely entertaining because of what an idiot he is. Before I could close out of Facebook and do something productive like "pin" my pictures, I heard an instant message alert with a new chat message...it was from Lucien.
Lucien: Hello.
Ella: Hi Lucien. How are you?
Lucien: Good, good. You are back in Paris, I hear.
Ella: Yes, it's good to be back. Cold...but good to be back.
Lucien: I see.
Ella: You see what?
Lucien: I see you love Parisian living.
Ella: Sure I do...but like any place there are both good and bad points.
Lucien: I prefer the energy and beat of New York.
Ella: The "beat" of New York? Like 103.5 KTU?
Lucien: What is a KTU?
Ella: LOL, Nothing..so what have you been up to?
Lucien: Not much, enjoying Paris life, wishing I was in NYC, going to intellectual cocktail parties where I enjoy ONE drink.
Four minutes pass....
Lucien: Hello?
Ella: What the fuck is an intellectual cocktail party?
Lucien: Oh it is when we sit around and drink ONE cocktail and discuss Tolstoy or Niche at a library cafe likes Les Editeurs in St. Germain.
Ella: Why do you keep putting an emphasis on having "ONE" cocktail? It's annoying...
Lucien: I remember when we were together you enjoyed your cocktails very much....
Ella: Yes...and I still do. Are you trying to make a point?
Ella: And by the way, I drank wine, you make it sound like I was Miss Hannigan with a flask of Bathtub Gin in my garter stumbling around parties. Although that would be kind of fun...
Lucien: I make no insult, I just remember you wouldn't have been able to have just one cocktail at a party...
Ella: Where you're discussing Niche and Tolstoy in French? You're probably right..getting drunk would seem like a more attractive option.
Lucien: I see...
How annoying is this guy? I can never stop myself from getting sucked in to talking to him. He is just so ridiculous that I can't resist. It's sort of like watching "Kourt and Kim Take New York".
Ella: Sooooo...Valentine's Day is coming up...seeing anyone special?
Lucien: I have options but make no commitments. No one meets my beauty intellectual standards..I am living the workaholic life in libraries, analyzing papers, deep thinking and I must wait for the right women to come to me.
Ella: To go to intellectual cocktail parties with...?
Lucien: Exactly.
Ella: So what you are looking for is someone with the looks and body of Gisele Buncheon, the biting wit of Tina Fey and the intellect of Simone de Beauvoir who doesn't mind that you're broke, not very attractive and on top of everything, kind of an asshole? Tall order, my friend...
Five minutes later...
Lucien: I see that you still paint our relationship black and cannot move past how I have insulted you in the past...have fun in Paris.
..and he was gone.
This is why it's generally not a great idea to talk to ex-boyfriends whom you have no feelings for and find incredibly irritating because you'll just end up making fun of them. Our interaction entertained me so much that I sent copies of our conversation to my friends. I simply couldn't resist.
All of my friends sent back responses commenting on what a jerk he is and how they never liked him but the best response I received was from Dr. Becky who is subletting an apartment from a well-known professor on the Columbia University campus, her response read: "I'm drinking a glass of wine with my friend in my apartment owned by a published, celebrated and well-known professor. Does this qualify as an "Intellectual cocktail party?" Oh wait, no, maybe not because I had more than ONE cocktail. I can't stand this guy."
Ex-boyfriends that you haven't wronged are like taxes, they come back around once a year and ignoring them does not, I repeat does not make them go away. Like taxes, they will only come back with more interest. Which reminds me, I need to do my return...
Anyway, it's been a fantastic week back and am looking forward to the next few months of positive challenges, excitement and new beginnings. I fucking love Paris.
