I didn't make any New Years Resolutions a year ago, but wow did I make some changes. If I had have said a year ago, "I'd like to get active," it wouldn't have happened. I didn't say it. I didn't plan it. But I did. Probably not to your standards, but definitely passed mine.
Let me explain.
My big achievement for 2011 is the fact that I started to realize that "Developmental Coordination Disorder" should be renamed to "Developmental Coordination DELAY" - at least in my case.
After 27 years of tripping over my feet, falling up stairs, having no balance, and barely understanding how to walk in a healthy way, I started to take control of myself. I've been citing my older blog posts lately, because it's so relevant to the things I've been writing about. And I'm going to do it again.
18 months ago, I wrote about my weight, and my desire to be lighter in Playing the Weight Game. It basically summarized how I went from a blobby, sedentary person to a non-blobby but still sedentary person.
12 months ago, I wrote about my Developmental Coordination Disorder (known as Dispraxia in the UK and Australia) in Gym Teachers. I was pretty emotionally shook up from a nightmare when I wrote this post, but reading it a year later really surprises me. While the history of my coordination problems, and my conflicts with gym teachers is true, my complacent acceptance of my "disorder" really shocks me. I'm disappointed in my lack of responsibility and my willingness to accept my limitations.
As I look back now on the last 12 months, I'm so proud of what I have done, and it's really hard for me to believe that a year ago I only walked for fitness. It's really hard to believe that a year ago I didn't use the elliptical.
Ok ok, I've used ellipticals a few times at my university gyms. By a few times, I mean probably 6 times ever. 2011 certainly brought about big changes. Maybe they were brought on by that blog post about gym teachers - but up until 20 minutes ago (when I searched my own site), I forgot that blog post even existed. Still, maybe that crazy scarey gym teacher dream did something to me.
Or maybe it was quitting my work at the Unitarian Congregation that did something. Shortly after writing that blog post in December 2010, I got fed up with the Unitarian Universalist Congregation I was attending. In particular, the minister drove me insane, and my volunteer work as a worship associate became onerous. In the second week of January 2011, I wrote him an email stating that I was resigning from my volunteer position. I would help with the service on January 12th and then I'd be gone. My minister wrote me back immediately and asked if I could have a "closure" meeting.
I left my university campus and headed from the congregation. I never bused from school to the Unitarian Congregation before, so the route I took was new. The bus dropped me off about 7 blocks away and I walked the last bit. That walk brought me right by my local YMCA. I had known the YMCA was located there, but I thought it was closing down, that's what the news had said. But as I walked by on that day, I saw people inside working out.
After I quit my Unitarian congregation, I googled my YMCA and found out that it was remaining open for another 18 months. Sure, I had a "free" membership as my university gym, but I didn't like the environment, and without a car I really didn't like bringing gym clothes to school with my books and things.
So as I eluded to in Working Out, by January 25, 2011 I had already tried out the YMCA a few times, and was completely pleased with the experience.
What I didn't explain in the earlier posts was why the YMCA experience was so amazing on a physical level. Yes, the set up and clients and whole supportive environment was awesome and necessary for me. But I also quickly found out how blissful it was to push myself to the point I could not stress out. Making both legs and both arms go on the elliptical while trying to maintain my balance, listen to the audio, watch some video, keep and eye on my stats, and drink water left no brain resources to be anxious over my school work. It was the stress-relief that helped me to write my PhD thesis proposal.
I wasn't great at it - I kept resistance low, and just did my own thing. But I loved it. Soon I was logging my "score" (calories, watt power and speed) in a notebook and trying for "bests." I stopped going to the Unitarian congregation completely and instead went to the gym on Sundays. It gave me a better rush and a better sense of calm.
I also tried swimming lessons at the Y, but when I couldn't master floating after the first class and the instructor pretty much gave up on me, I gave up on myself and never went back for swimming. However, aquafit was a different story. jumping jacks, water jogging, and various other cardio moves was just plain fun. And the complicated stuff the "pendulum" and the "rocking horse" and anything that involved asymmetrical movement with the limbs or leg and arms going in opposite directions was a challenge, but a doable challenge. I left the first class cognitively exhausted from trying to comprehend how to make my body move in the desired way. I could do it. My reaction time was slow and in class it would take a few rotations to get it, but I could do it all. I went to 3-4 classes as a drop-in and each time left feeling like I had just taken a calculus class.
In March I found out why. My university invited a speaker who actually addressed Developmental Coordination Disorder and addressed how to "rewire" the brain. Halleluiah. I saw the light. Someone was finally speaking my language.
My whole life, I divided mental from physical. Mind vs. Body. Strength vs. Smarts. Muscles vs. Brains. But that's where I had it wrong. As far as our brains are concerned, the neurons that help you play chess and understand logic, and have a photographic memory are no different than the neurons that send messages to your motor neurons and your muscles. I didn't have damage in my motor neurons or my muscles, my body is fine. Yes, the neurons in my brain that send signals to my motor neurons are out of order - but learning to ride a bike or swim or skate is no different than learning to play chess.
It's slower. If we have a optimal time point for learning languages, then we definitely have an optimal time for learning to walk and run, and catch balls. But once you're passed that optimal age it's not over. I know that. In the past 4 years, I've gotten really good at catching small balls or random things people toss at me from across the room (if by really good I mean on average with others - but that's huge for me!).
So everytime I worked out on the elliptical, I was improving and helping to organize the synapses in my brain. It made sense. In addition to feeling physical effects, like being faster and not getting out of breath, I felt mentally different. I didn't "mini-panic" when my focus went from my legs to my arms, I could almost pay attention to all 4 limbs at once. So if I kept it up, maybe I'd be able to move onto other physical (and more demanding things).
And the opportunity came. My friend invited me to walk a 3k Fun Run with her. She normally runs the 3km and 5km races that are organized by a local running group. But it was February, and she wanted to just walk the Fun Run as a registered walker. She described it as "leisurely." She convinced me - I showed up in jeans (leisurely!). The race started, I jogged at first, and then was a mile behind everyone. She stayed with me and then we ran/jogged the last 0.5km. Part of me was embarrassed, we were the last people to finish. But no one cared, they were all super supportive. It was such a great, positive environment. The "race kit" came with lots of running magazines. I felt weird reading them (4 weeks before I was a literal couch potato), but I was so motivated by what they promoted. It was all about "personal bests" not competitions. I loved it, I was hooked.
Once in a while I'd skip a few weeks at the gym if school became intense, but I'd always go back. I signed up for more Fun Runs as a "walker." On Mother's Day, my friend couldn't make it, I was alone in a pack of 500 runners and walkers. Somehow I ended up jogging along with a high school rugby team for the first (downhill) kilometer of the 5km. I didn't even know I could do that. Sure, I eventually took my place at the back of the pack, and the race marshalls were concerned with my "limp." but I happily said, "I'm fine, just dispraxia!" and kept walking. I felt great. I felt amazing.
I told my fiance that I jogged the 1km straight, and then jogged in spurts throughout the 5km. He convinced me to just "try jogging" sometime. I did. I tried to hold the jog as long as I could, I tried to resist giving up and walking. My first time out, I jogged for 10 minutes straight. Then 12 minutes. Then 15, then 20 minutes. I spent May and June completely hooked on jogging. I was going out 3 times a week and jogging the bike paths in my neighbourhood. I even tried jogging on the sidewalks, but intersections make me loose rhythm. I did another 3km Fun Run, and jogged it in 27 minutes. Yes, I was last, but I was proud.
Also in spring, I joined my fiance and his classmates at ROCK CLIMBING. I heard somewhere that anyone who can walk can climb. I would recommend upper body strength as well. I couldn't get up that high on my first try, I was really nervous, and I cried a little when I couldn't figure out how to un-tense myself so I could repel back down. It seemed so unnatural to sit back in the sit and take my death grip off the knobs on the wall. Thankfully, the instructor was great, he talked me through it. I got down, wiped me tears, and went right back up. "Old me" never would have done that. I would have left. I ended up going up and down 4 times. We were with 10 people and had the entire place rented to ourselves. Everyone else was doing complicated challenger walls. I never even reach the top of the beginner wall, but I was extremely proud of myself. I would never have thought I could do it, I would have never thought I could reach the turtle.
Then, the big finale of the spring was a 5km Fun Run in my neighbourhood. On the very bike paths I was jogging on normally. I had to do good on this. I really wanted to do good. Well, I was only aiming to keep my pace and come in around 45 minutes, which tied with the 2010 last place runner. That was my goal.
The week of the race, my knee felt weak. I thought it was nerves. The night before, I walked to get my race kit and my knee hurt. I did the race anyway. It was brutal. Running on a narrow bike path (as opposed to a road) is really difficult. I didn't come in last, and I finished in 42 minutes. And I had a free massage after.
Unfortunately, I also had an overtraining injury in my knee. I didn't jog for a week, but it still hurt. I gave up jogging, and tried aquafit. That was ok, until an underwater Russian dance pulled it more. So then I just rested it. After 4 weeks of rest, it still hurt. In July, I went to the doctor and started physio. I was going overseas in 4 weeks, and had to get my knee back for that. I did was the physiotherapist said - no intensive exercise except ball squats, ankle weight lifts and some slow stationary cycling. Even speed walking through malls was hurting. But I did keep doing the elliptical on really easy mode and not pushing it. I was in love with the YMCA elliptical.
Overseas involved tons and tons walking, and stairs in various Mediterranean countries - including climbing the Acropolis in Greece (which is totally brag worthy). It also included riding a camel and floating in the Dead Sea on the same day. I couldn't believe I was floating, I was ecstatic. I panicked a little, it was a weird sensation, it was so difficult to untense my body. But I got it. Then, we went on a cruise, and my fiance taught me to float in non-Dead Sea water. No word of a lie. It took about 9 trips to the (cold) pools on the cruise ships. I cried a lot, I made my fiance get really mechanically detailed about body movement and balance. I could never ever had learned it with anyone except him, and it speaks to his awesomeness that we were successful. First I learned to float on my back, and then finally my front. It was a huge milestone for me.
When I got back from vacation, I jogged/walked the 10km Terry Fox Run for Cancer Research and I raised over $500 doing so. It was a weird run because there was no starting time. I started as early as possible and was quickly at the back of the pack. But late starters kept passing me so I always felt like I was with the group. My legs were numb after 7.5km. My knee injury came back a few days later after that, so I took the first half of October pretty easy, and then I went back to the YMCA.
I've also expanded my workout from the elliptical. I started doing the resistance training, and using 5lb free weights (my arms are spaghetti). My physio in the summer gave me a better appreciation for stationary bikes, and I've also done the occasional aquafit class. I bought a Fitbit health tracker and that encouraged me to try out the treadmill. I've given it 4 trials and I'm not a fan. Running feels like hopping, jogging feels totally forced, and walking seems easy but my ankle really hurt the next day.
I found out in mid-November that I came in 2nd place for the "Athena" category of women over 150lbs from the Fun Runs I did in spring. I received a framed photo of me running in the 5km Fun Run that was in my neighbourhood. It is now hung up on my wall. Who would have thought that a year ago?
Then 3 weeks ago at a Christmas party, the host offered to take me to the nearest bus station on his tandem (two-person) bike. I declined, citing my coordination and balance. He offered to show me the bike, and then started with stories of uncoordinated uncles and unbalanced aunts. He assured me that the responsibility of balance is with the person in front - along with all the steering, braking, and gear shifting. I was a "passenger." I was doubtful, but I thought it was worth the scraped knee.
It was amazing. True freedom. I couldn't believe it. There were so many "little" things I didn't grasp - how the brakes work, what are "gears", putting one foot down at intersections, etc. But since I was on the back, I could watch his footwork, and enjoy it. I never thought I'd be able to understand what it was like to cycle, my squeals of joy were likely similar to an 8 year old child learning to ride.
Cycling has always been one of the big 4. Skating, swimming, driving and cycling are the 4 things I want to do but cannot. Now I understand that I can do anything, I'm physically able to, as long as I give myself more time. I don't have an inner ear problem, or anything that permanently keeps me from doing this stuff. I took 27 years to figure out jogging, 9 hours to figure out floating but I did. My neurons firing in my motor cortex of my brain are unorganized, but with practice, I can get better. I'm not disabled, I'm just delayed.
(This post was originally written on December 15th). Since writing this post I have one more accomplishment. For Christmas, I flew to Calgary and visited my brother. On Boxing Day, we drove through Banff and to Lake Louise. I was nervous about the slippery icy paths that he said we'd need to take to go to the lake. But he didn't take me to the lake. We got out of the car and started walking up hill, up this crazy steep, snowy path. He wanted to check out the Fairview Look off - 1.6km away. 1.6km is nothing - right? Well, that wasn't counting the vertical distance.
By the time we reached the 1.2km marker (meaning we had gone .4km) I thought I'd never catch my breath. After the 1.0km marker we took a wrong way. I swear we walked further than 1.6km. Eventually we turned around, went back down, found the right path, and but gave up about 500m from the top.
My lungs had been impaired since driving through Banff. I had been to Denver before (5200 feet above sea level) and had no problems, so Banff at 4800 ft shouldn't have given me trouble, but I think it's because we drove there quickly and my body didn't have time to adjust. The base of the trail at the lake is 5500 ft above sea level, and my Fitbit shows that I walked up 48 floors. Including the doubling back down two trails, I think I was probably at 5800 ft at the highest. That's right about when my family called and wanted me to sing Happy Birthday to my sister over the speaker phone, and I really didn't have the lung capacity to do so.
My brother teased me over my lack of cardio-vascular fitness, and my inability to get to the summit. I'm sure that others will certainly think it was anything but a success. To me, it was a huge accomplishment. I smashed my pre-conceived notion of my limitations. It was crazy slippery and steep, but I didn't even fall once. My lungs felt insane and I wanted to puke, but I was able to catch my breath as soon as we started headed downhill. Sure, I would have liked to have reached the top, but I know that as long as I work on these things gradually I can do them.
So bring it on 2012, I can't wait to see what you have in store. Aside from finishing my dissertation, graduating, getting married, moving, getting a job, and turning 29.
