Self Expression Magazine

Full Circle

Posted on the 04 February 2017 by Kimtsan @kimtsan0417

So how I started this blog was that I needed a place to think. It’s been many years, and I wrote and posted in this blog without thinking about what it was shaped or what it might become. In fact, I started many blogs throughout the years, and through each channel, I had something to say–there was something I needed to express, then.

Sometimes, one of my blogs would find its way over to another. They would join hands and realize that they shared the exact same heart.

I’m romantically talking about a blog merge, by the way. The Blog of Questioning was actually born out of a blog merge. I combined my non-sense creative writing story random musings blogs with my film reviews. Then I started writing more “serious” stuff. On and off, I kept writing. Here and there, I made myself known across my little online empire.

The idea of being a writer is something I slowly sank into. Like many other children with a wide-eyed childhood dream, I proclaimed that I was going to be a writer. I didn’t even blink. When I was asked, I answered. That was my truest voice, then. I didn’t realize how precious it was, because what tends to happen when we are growing up is that we misplace the important things. Or somehow, those things lose their colours, their magic wanes and their promises becomes bleak.

Thinking back now I felt like I had spent my entire life running away from who I really am. My childhood self knew better. She just knew. But unfortunately she had to go through some painful rejections, and unfortunately she didn’t learn, not until much later, that those rejections were selfish and unjust in nature and it was not her fault that she was hurting.

Seriously, when I think back, about some of the things that were spoken to me about my writing–so entitled, so self-righteous. As a thirteen-year-old I really didn’t know how to deal with all that bitterness, judgment and hostility. They entered me, camouflaged as constructive criticism and love. I remember I was told that pursuing fantasy literature would  be a complete waste of time. Fantasy, magic, unicorns, faraway lands and castles? Those things aren’t real. They will never be real. Those stories aren’t real and therefore they have no merit, no real impact on the current literary scene. I was told that (in a nutshell) that I was supposed to write something “deep”, like politics or feminism or something that deeply reveals and sheds insight to the human condition.

That didn’t seem like something so awful at first, right? I mean, I was encouraged to be the next Nobel Prize Winner. How could anything be wrong with that!? Except, that wasn’t me. It had never been me to write about those things. As a kid, I wanted and sought validation from the adults around me, and imagine being told that “fantasy literature is basically bullshit” or “your creative essence, your identity as a writer, your passions and goals as writer–they are all basically bullshit because fantasy literature isn’t real.”

Well. Needless to say I was crushed. Come to think of it, I don’t think I ever took my own writing seriously ever again. I rarely finished the work that I started. I think it was because I remembered the pain that I went through–every time I finished something and presented a piece of my self to those whose opinions I valued, I was crushed, denied, rejected, again and again. You’re not supposed to be you. What you want is unimportant. What you want to write is a waste of time.

That’s the same as saying:

Your writing is a waste of time. You are a waste of time.

So why bother finishing anything if I was a waste of time?

But I wanted to be a writer. My childhood self knew. My inner child knows. Deep down inside I know. It’s written in my DNA. It’s my purpose. It’s who I am. Isn’t it ridiculous that I consciously knew that I enjoyed writing (and therefore still wrote and blogged and created throughout the years)–but I never truly  believed that I was a writer? How many of us suffered from that insecurity? Suffered from feelings of rejection that we didn’t know how to deal with at the time–when we were younger? How many people stopped us from being who we were meant to be?

Anyway. This is turning into a totally different blog post. Originally, I meant to write that, I don’t know who the Blog of Questioning is. I guess I do: it’s a part of me. It’s always been a part of me. From a more technical perspective: I thought that if it’s part of me and part of my “message”, why not just merge it with my other blog? Which is my “main” blog now, if you’re wondering. Should I keep them separate? Because the subject matter is slightly different, so I don’t know if I should force them to all come home together. They’re siblings but I don’t know if they can tolerate each other properly to live under the same roof.

I know for sure my poetry blog is its own creature. It needs to be a standalone. But this one? I am still considering.

Oh, if you’re curious, my other main blog is where I blog about spirituality, creativity, productivity, writing, and, *epic music* tarot cards. Surprise! I’m a huge tarot nerd. (Or maybe not. All of my blogs are pretty much connected. I have too many blogs LOL) And tarot cards are actually nerdier and less “mystical-gong-smoke-and-mirrors” than you think. I swear I keep introducing tarot like this every time I blog about it outside of my tarot blog. I know people often get the wrong idea about tarot, especially sometimes it’s deeply associated with certain religious beliefs that antagonize it. But hear me! Lo! (overdramatic voice) Tarot is not evil! It is good! It is all the good things that are listed in this blog post which I wrote and I am posting it here because I want to share with you something magical and wonderful and something I absolutely love and this is a super long-winded sentence because I really want you to check it out and not get the wrong idea or you know you don’t have to fall in love with it but at least check it out and see what it is for yourself-

Okay, that sentence is way too long. But yeah, the fate of this blog is still…unknown. It might join the main family. It might not. Maybe not…because I just merged my writing blog with my main blog and the sheer amount of work that took almost killed me. I have no energy left to log around this blog’s luggage and personal belongings. I think it is probably fine where it is.

But yeah, anyway. Just wanted to update. I hope you guys are doing well and are out there kicking ass.



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