You may not know this about me, but I’m usually a pretty happy person.
Why not be Happy?
If I’m not feeling chipper, it’s probably because something bad/sad/upsetting happened. Even then though, I tend to have feelings of hope and cheer. Sad doesn’t erase happiness, it just mutes it a bit. Anger doesn’t erode happiness, unless you let it burn wildly out of control.
Every once in a while, though, I just stumble across a totally-without-reason grumpy day. It happen about once a year. I wake up grumpy and I spend most of the day trying to ignore that persistently cheery voice in my head.
Today, I’ve been grumpy since 7am and it hasn’t eased up.
This is my response to any logical happiness-inducing thought.
Somewhere around noon, that voice finally simmers down and I manage to work up an hour of pure grumpiness. I think of all these things that I want to tell people, or titles for confrontational posts that I would realistically never write.
It’s a tricky time for me because I know I believe these things to be true– but I also know that I trust my brain more when it is functionally in balance. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to have a heart-to-heart with many a person, though. Let’s just say it’s not a good day to be near me if you’re the lady who runs the knit shop by my work.
Lemme at ‘em!
That happy little voice in the back of my mind, even in its silence, still deafens me. I liken this power of silence to a mother, standing in the corner of the room, fuming with disapproval. She doesn’t need to say anything. Her silence says it all.
It’s enough to make me second-guess my grump.
It’s a conflicting feeling. My emotions say, “Be a Grumpysaurus”, but there’s a logic tree growing in the base of my brain that keeps dropping happiness fruits everywhere.
Then my Grumpysaurus SQUISHES ALL THE FRUIT.
Meg Ryan is my real voice. Billy Crystal is my grump voice.
Still, I revel in it. It’s not totally senseless; I have reasons:
- I’m not a fan of suppressing emotions.
- The people in my life are strong enough to take a day of my grump.
- I am balanced enough to trust my control and not do or say anything permanently damaging.
- It doesn’t happen that often.
I wallow around in my Grumpysaurus suit, quietly at home, until the day passes.
I make note of the things that popped up often, since it’s a sign that they’re bugging me more than I know– and I write the title of all the posts I wouldn’t write without sugar-coating. I take a sip of wine straight from the bottle because do not get me started on my glassware situation because I’m not a big enough drinker to take gulps. I keep myself from cancelling every commitment I’ve made. I use more swear words than regular words, and I read books that I had a feeling I probably wasn’t going to like anyway. I tell Dave all about how annoying I must be to grumpy people because that chipper, annoying voice in the back of my head is usually my outside voice.
Yes, I celebrate my grump, but I lock it up, too– because while all of it is happening, that voice in the back of my head is quietly humming a song from my childhood reminding me that tomorrow will be a beautiful day in the neighborhood.
And tomorrow, without fail, the sun will rise and that happy voice will be a big voice again– for better or worse– annoying or not.
I’ll recognize it as my neighbor and I’ll be glad we’re together again.
Because why not be happy?
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Are you basically a happy person, too? Did you watch Mr. Rogers? Did you enjoy your Friday? Do you cheer yourself up on grumpy days, or revel?
