‘Tis the season to make lists.
Looooooong lists.
Longer than your arm.
Longer than a trip to the North Pole.
LONG.
Do you ever just ADD something on a list purely for the pleasure of scratching it off the list?
Oh hells ya.
You are weird.
And now, officially, my new BFF.
The Do’s and Don’ts CHRISTMAS List :
Do drink a lot of rum and eggnog.
Don’t confess it. It is the new normal. Spiking your eggnog is a national Canadian pastime at Christmas. Shhhh.
Do some one stop shopping and multitask like a shopping ninja.
Don’t forget where you parked your car in the shopping mall parking lot.
Do thank the person who walked out of the mall at the perfect moment that you neeeeeeeded that parking spot. Maybe wink at them inappropriately. *blush*
Don’t give the finger to the dirty bugger person who hoodwinked you and stole your parking spot. Taser him.
Do shop for presents and think about your presence. Time is a gift.
Don’t eat all the candy off the gingerbread house before you go shopping. Blame the missing candy on the dog. It works every ~ single ~ time.
I recently went on a last minute shopping marathon shopping spree with my daughters. I have four children. Shopping for them at Christmas is like shopping for an entire village of smurfs.
It is wild.
It is hairy.
Sometimes it is desperate. Last minute, I start wrapping toilet paper rolls in Christmas wrap and throw them under the tree. Occasionally, I will wrap a barn cat. Sometimes a boot. An odd sock.
Anything in Christmas wrap looks extraordinary.
Note : This should only be attempted by professionals. BEWARE : When the suspect gifts get opened, wave your arms frantically and pretend the tree is on fire. No one will notice the scurrying cat.
But…but….but…. this Christmas season was a whole new thaaaaang.
I rolled over a new Christmas leaf.
Applause puhhhlease.
Air – HIGH FIVES !
We planned a family road trip to Toronto for a shopping DATE. Have you ever had a date with your kids?
~ It is epic and torturous all at once ~
My thoughts :
Ok, I’ll play the game. What could go wrong?
Pipsqueakskids can be trolls. I’m just kidding. Not really. Seriously. But I went for it. Shopping with kids is for the bravest of the brave.
My three daughters and I just went for it.
Hopped in the car, destination Timbuktu.
Jokes.
Destination : Square One Shopping Mall.
I was a bit worried at first. Would I be on the corner of 23rd and hell ? Did I eat a big plate of crazy ?
And then it happened …. I LOVED shopping at Square One with the girls. Tahhdaaah. Whew.
* 4 gals on a car road trip is like putting puppies in a small box. Our car is small. You can’t swing a {gift wrapped} cat in there. Someone is going down. They hop and crawl all over the place and lick things. Like the windshield. They make faces on the windows. They clamour over each other for the best spot. Inevitably, someone gets sat on. ’Tis the season.
* Our date in the mall meant lunch together. We hit up MOXIES and rocked it out loud. There wasn’t any gum under the table and the restaurant was downright sexy.
It could have been the wine.
‘Tis the season to be Merry * hiccup *
The kids and I laughed so hard, a bellini shot out of someones nose.
Not naming names. Tristan.
* Flash of awesomeness alert : I discovered that there is an app for Square One Mall.
What a sweet thaaaang.
It is the only mall app with “WHERE AM I ” -> a routing that directs you from store to store. No GPS required. You can find the app here and get ready for it to knock your Christmas stockings off. It is amazeballs.
Now if I only have an app for when the lights go out and I suddenly find myself lost in the basement. WHERE AM I ? Where am I ?!!
Anything that combines shopping and an app, is a friend of mine.
Truth serum: I think the words shoe-a-holic and SALE were really what revved my engine.
Vroom. Vroom. Vroom.
* The shopping day was a huge hit. And no one got hit. No one opened the can of whoop-ass.
* We crushed our Christmas shopping. All under one roof. There were no SANTAS harmed in the process. No one had their hair pulled. No one beat another soul with a mini Christmas tree. It was civilized. A Christmas miracle.
* A word to the wise men : Lululemon is also in Square One. You don’t have to be an athlete to enjoy Lululemon. My lulu’s have never seen the inside of a gym. The word GYM makes me itchy. I get all sorts of uncomfortable thinking about sweating in my yoga pants. I love those pants. I barely bend over in them. They are my worldly possession of awesomeness.
No sweaty balls allowed. Ok, I don’t have balls. But if I did, I wouldn’t sweat-ty them.
Why is it that every time I write a blog post, BALLS get talked about ?
Weird.
My fault.
Your problem.
LOL.
* We finished our date day in Whole Foods Market. Have you been to Whole Foods ?!! They go waaaay beyond ordinary. They even have turkey standards. Me too. No turkeys allowed in my living room (with the exception of my brother).
First of all, I’m admitting….up front…. that I was hit the stupid stick. I didn’t know jack about the Whole foods CULTURE.
Have I been living under a rock??
It is the first grocery store that I have been to, where I thought I could pitch a tent and live permanently in the aisle alongside the coconuts and pineapples. The pomegranate had me at hello. Have no fear, the pomegranates didn’t talk to me. I just made that shit up. I do love them tho!! That part was the truth.
I know this is awkward right now for some of you. Lynne wants us to eat healthy and wear yoga pants. What a jerk. Does that girl have something in her mouth? Bullshit.
Well wait until you read these next words. Brace yourself.
Fish oil.
Do you know what is great about fish oil ?
Neither do I.
Jokes.
Are you worried ? Are you thinking…… this shit is getting real. Fish oil ?!!!!
Uhhm.. Whole foods sells fish oil that tastes like a piña colada. Do I need to say more? Omega oil is d’bomb. You need it. Your face, hair and nails will fall in love with you all over again. You may even fall in love with yourself.
Fish oil makes you healthy to cope with moments like this. GINGERBREAD FEAST.
Have no fear. Typically, I am a carb-alicious kinda girl, not a fish oil freak. I practically licked the cupcakes out of the Whole Foods display case. I snuck marshallows when the bakery staff weren’t looking and then realized that you can walk through the store and practically eat dinner with the free snacks. No need to pop food in your mouth when no one is looking.
It is ALLOWED. Should I scream that sentence?!!
My date day life lesson :
Go on dates with your kids. It is epic. It is memorable.
Do one stop multitasking ninja shopping and have some fun.
It takes less muscles to smile than to frown.
Frowning gives you wrinkles.
Fish oil will take care of that.
Remember, life can be a crazy straw. Up and down and all over the place with crazy twists and turns.
Slow it down.
Don’t get your tinsel in a twist.
Life is BIGGER than Christmas.
Merry Christmas my friends.
Much love to each and every one of you.
xx
