Self Expression Magazine

If What I Say Matters

Posted on the 03 March 2013 by Piaiamps @pemarikresta

I just got home from our 3-hour make up class for Negotiable Instruments Law. I got to say, these Sunday classes don't do well with me. Isn't it the reason why I went fighting for breath just to get into the regular class schedule? Oh well, not complaining.
So yeah, I'm not complaining and I won't complain. It was a fun meeting. Three groups presented their cases, the last three. Group 6 illustrated their case through a puppet show, like those kids' shows with socks talking to another sock. Group 7 did a three-media presentation - cartoon, movie adaptation and a live trial. And Group 8 which also reenacted their case ala MMK. And this is where Judge Abad suddenly called me and asked for my reaction about their presentation.
Now prior to me being called, I was already having these thoughts while watching their short film. Of course everyone does. But mine was a little bit downbeat. Being secretly shocked upon hearing my surname called, naturally I spoke what was exactly on my mind in the last 2 minutes and I was like: "our presentations have similarities, only that ours is in black and white." And as if that wasn't enough, I added, "in the beginning it was fun (or entertaining, whatever) but in the end the energy went down." But wait there's more! "I think it was because of the narration in the end. It would have been better if they added a few songs, I think."
OMFG. 
My mind shut down for a minute, slowly processed the things that I just said. Then, damn! I should have just said, "good job!" or "no comment, Judge." I should have said the usual mediocre stuff most people say! What if I hurt their feelings? What if I sounded arrogant? What if Judge thought otherwise? I don't want to be judged by Judge! Noooo!
Yep, still thinking bout it til now.
I remember one afternoon, when I was in high school, I was about to leave my grandparents' house for school when my older sister shouted, "don't talk a lot, your brother might get mad again." I didn't say anything and continued walking. Apparently, kuya had been having problems about me being so talkative. We went to same high school so we knew each others' friends. I learned that his girl friends complained to him about me being so chatty. I was out and out outspoken back then. I'd say what's on my mind, whenever, wherever. It was somehow too late for me to notice that everyone around me saw my frankness as a liability. I had a falling-out with my mom, teachers, and friends. When I think about it now, it's kind of upsetting really, that I was misunderstood even when I've said everything to be understood.
In college, that's when I begun to change things. Well, for most part I didn't know anyone other than the 2 seniors who came from my hometown. I maintained a low profile. I never spoke unless I was spoken to. I never raised my hand even when I knew the answer to the question (maybe I did, but that'd be 2 out of 10 [and that's prolly the only time that I knew the answer! UGH]). I turned down invitations from different school organizations and fraternities. I got scolded by every superior individual I met. I lost all the confidence that was overflowing within in me. Ultimately, I went slightly anti-social.
I guess I embraced that semi anti-social behavior so much that I personified it from then on. It became me, I became it. Although I'm still considering that age and circumstances also have to do with it. But whatever. I may thank those experiences because somehow I learned that there's a time for right words to be said. I understood that it's better to stay silent. To keep your opinions to yourself because whatever you say, people are gonna take it in a different way, and oftentimes, way way different from what you meant.
Now, nonetheless, I see how valuable confidence is. And I wish I did not allow anyone to tell me what to say or what not to say. Maybe I'd still have my confidence intact. Maybe I'd be more engaging. Maybe I'd be more empowered. Maybe I'd have brilliant things to say right away.
Haaaaay. Whatever. I have a blog. And that's all that matters.
PS. Group 8, please don't hate me! :(
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