Illustration by Garance Doré.Unable to sleep on the flight back from Buenos Aires, I surrendered to the fact that I am simply unable to get a cozy night's sleep in a coach seat that reclines back a whole two centimeters, and watched Young Adult; a film that Séb downloaded on my computer the last time I was in Paris. The Diablo Cody-written, Charlize Theron-staring film is about Mavis Gary, a middle-aged woman who is suffering from mental fatigue due to lack of stimulation from the single in the city lifestyle she has chosen. While most people in this bourgeois crisis would join a dating site, a gym, or simply up their dosage of wine, we follow Mavis on her journey of the heart of reconnecting romantically with her high school love. How darling.
What ever did become of her high school sweetheart? The quarterback to her prom queen. Well, he is still in the same town, happily married and just had his first child. Three vital facts our lead character is casually aware of.
Leaving the big city of Minneapolis in her compact car, Mavis embarrassingly drifts down memory lane with the assistance of a Teenage Fanclub song that she plays on repeat, and from the glaze in her eyes, believes was written expressly for her. How could it not? Aren't all Gen-X songs from the early 90s written about the complexities of being the cool girl in high school?
While I didn't exactly love the film, and found many parts extremely uncomfortable to watch; point in case, the film's one and only sex scene. Gross. I did appreciate that the writing wasn't forcing us to agree with the protagonist and her unethical behavior, as most films geared towards women do, and was fascinated with the sad story of an ex-girlfriend trying to reconnect with an unavailable past love. Why is this of interest to me? Because I'm somewhat living through it, but on the other side, of course. As of recent, Séb's ex-girlfriend appears to be e v e r y w h e r e.
It started a few weeks ago, when I was looking on an new architecture in Paris blog, and found a photo of a building that I knew Séb would just love. I copy and pasted the link, and went to his little Facebook page to post it, but lo and behold, it looked like someone had beaten me to the punch. Weird, I thought. I went to see who it was, and it was his ex-girlfriend; the one who broke up with him in early 2011.
Okay. No big deal, we think alike and I had seen this photo posted on several sites after, so I kept my opinions to myself. I'm not looking to create drama here.
Moving on...
Last week, Séb had posted something fashion related on Twitter, referencing the company that I used to work for and when I went to comment, it looked like the conversation had already been started. I went to expand the chat and who was it? Séb's ex-girlfriend! Yay.
And finally, a conversation between Séb, his best friend and I was happening on Facebook, and she joined in the chat, commenting about something the three of them did together several years ago, and what great fun it was. Not to mention her contact has extended to e-mail as well as text. Girl is going Katy Perry on me. She really is everywhere!
Not that social media is the final answer to your relationship, and I have written several posts in the past saying that "friending" your boyfriend is just asking for your relationship to be susceptible to misunderstandings, but reading comments from his ex-girlfriend (whom you've never met) that say that she's thinking of him, and reminiscing on old times, spells out dishonorable intentions or regret to me. Having been naive in past relationships regarding peripheral women (who had romantic intentions or not), I have always wanted to be that cool girlfriend. You know the who makes no demands, notices nothing, and is all carefree like Something About Mary. This may work for some girls, but it has never worked for me and what always ends up happening is that I get walked all over, and then reach a breaking point where I explode. It's taken several failed relationships to finally accept that I will never be that cool, blasé girlfriend. I'm Italian! We're just not built that way!
Saying that, there's a fine line between being a raging bitch and being doormat who accepts everything. Finding that healthy balance where you don't sweat the small stuff, but also not neglecting your own feelings has always been a bit of a challenge for me. No one wants to be that pain-in-the-ass girlfriend.
Having learned from past relationships, I had to speak up and tell Séb that I didn't feel comfortable with the volume in which she was reaching out to him. I mean come on, I speak to my exes, most whom are married, about once or twice a year, whereas she has been contacting him about two or three times a week. Is it just me or is that a bit much? I just feel that it's too early for her to be a fixture in our still-budding relationship. Especially since I have never met her.
Had this been MF, this small request would have turned into weeks of arguing, he would have sided with the other girl, and I would have been called dramatic, selfish and someone who lacks confidence. Doesn't he sound like such a great guy, that MF? But with Séb, where I was clear that it had nothing to do with her, and that I'm sure she's a nice girl, agreed that it was a bit much and let her know that she was coming on a bit strong. The conversation between Séb and I lasted no longer than five minutes, and we were able to move on and talk about more important things like the new Hot Chip album that he is currently gushing over.
What do you ladies think? Where do you draw the line from being a controlling irrational girlfriend to a doormat? And how much ex-girlfriend activity is appropriate in a serious relationship? Perhaps I had over-stepped my boundaries, I'm not sure. As usual, I'd love to hear what you think!
What was happening a year ago today? I think you guys will get a kick out of this one. I know I am.
