So why, in the last 6 months or so, has everyone suddenly started telling me that I look 16?
I mean, there are a few factors here that could be at work:
-I've lost some weight, so I really do look small and petite now, as opposed to short but estrogen-curvy like I used to. I have had a woman's figure, not a girl's, since I was 13. Now I have a slightly younger shape to my body.
-I'm healthier than I was 6 months ago, so it's possible my hair and skin have a more youthful appearance.
-I have been experimenting more with my unusual taste in fashion, and my tendency to go for feminine, old-fashioned skirts and dresses has been amplified big-time. In fact, I almost never wear pants anymore.
But I don't think any of those things are dramatic enough to make me look 10 years younger than I used to. And looking at pictures from a year ago, I don't think I look that different.
I hate it though. I already don't get taken very seriously--I mean I'm small, I'm a woman, I giggle, I'm clumsy, I have a high-pitched voice...I don't need to look childish too. Everyone keeps telling me I'll love it when I'm 30, but that doesn't do me much good right now. Age is power, and by telling me I look younger than I am, people are taking that power away from me. God knows I have little enough as it is. Oh, I know that most of them aren't doing it on purpose--most of the people who tease me for looking young are doing so good-naturedly. But some people do it to put me down. And that's not okay.
I meant for this to be funny, but I'm starting to get a little angry. You know why? Because I'm realizing that it isn't the only way people make me feel small. There are so many subtle things you can say to somebody, or do to them, or even tiny body language signals you can use, to put them down. And I must have "Gullible, insecure, and easily victimized" written across my forehead, because people use them on me constantly. Things like edging one's shoulders away from a person when they're trying to join the circle or conversation, or acting disinterested in everything they say, or ridiculing them for every falter and stumble, or gaslighting and making them feel crazy or irrational. Things like explaining away a person's emotions with "you're just being a girl" or "you're probably on your period." Things like constantly telling a person that they look young, or that they're small, or that they have no valuable experience in anything.
You know what those things are? They're bullying.
People who bully others are doing so because they're insecure themselves, at least 9 out of 10 times. It's a way for them to be on top. They saw that other people got on top by bullying them, so they mimick it. It's human nature, really, to observe how others survive and do the same for their own survival. But it's fucked up, and it's mean, and it's wrong.
And everyone should have learned that it was wrong by the time they were 12.
Who fucking cares how old I am? Does that have to be the first thing you see when you look at me? How about my strengths, huh? I'm very intelligent. Look into my eyes and tell me I'm not intelligent, and kind. I'm also pretty easy to talk to, and funny, and open-minded, and down to earth. I dunno, I think I'm kinda cool in my way. And I don't have to make you feel small to feel cool; I get those feelings because I do the right thing or make someone happy, or because someone gives me a compliment, or because I accomplish something I can be proud of. I'm a damn fine person to be around.
I guess I'm just sick of being kicked around, then ridiculed for letting myself get kicked around, and then being shoved back down every time I try to stand up. It's a mindfuck. It's been happening to me since I was a little kid, and I've spent all these years worrying and fretting and trying to figure out what was wrong with me that made people treat me this way.
I'm starting to suspect that there's actually nothing wrong with me, other than not realizing my worth and letting people push me around.
God damn it. The worst part about all of this is that I let them win. I let them get to me. I spent my WHOLE LIFE insanely fucking insecure, trying to figure out how to get people to like me, how to get them to talk to me, how to get them to stop being mean to me or worse, ignoring me. I wasn't the one doing anything to cut myself out! It's clear, really...they cut ME out, and not because I'm unlovable or even something below awesome. They cut me out because I let them cut me out, and snubbing someone made them feel superior. Simple as that.
And I'm a fucking adult, and still letting it happen.
This ends now.
I know I can't grow a full-size self-esteem overnight, but in the process of writing this post I've had quite the epiphany: it's not me.
It's not me.
Fuck. Anyone. Who. Doesn't. Agree.
Bam.
I declare, right now, that I'm going from this:
To this:
Fucking watch me.
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