I've decided to do another post in the style of Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half, in which I write letters to inanimate objects. You may remember the last time I did this, when I wrote a letter to my boobs.
You may remember this picture. It was a huge hit.
Here goes!
Dear Bicycle,
I am very fond of you, dear friend. You've been a very loyal companion, traveling the city with me, and you've been very encouraging to me in my efforts to get out and move more. You're also so very beautiful--your bright green frame, your blue and yellow tires--you bring us so much attention and you make me look so good! I get complimented all the time for you, you know.
My only complaint, dearest Bicycle, is that your seat is not very comfortable. And this is an old city, with lots of dips and dents in the pavement and in some areas there are even cobblestones. I'm afraid my rear end has taken quite a bruising sitting on your bony frame. I've appreciated all the padding you've helped me burn off of MY ass, but don't you think perhaps it would be good for YOU to put some on?
I wish we could be together forever, but--alas--our time is limited. I'm afraid I must set you aside in favor of a motorized vehicle once the snow and ice begin. Let's cherish the moments we have left.
Live long and prosper, dear friend.
-Samantha
Ah...she sure is a beauty.
Dear Nail Polish,
There are several things I like about you, Nail Polish.
1. You come in many fun and unique colors.
2. You keep my hands occupied while I watch episode after episode of Friends or The Big Bang Theory or whatever show I'm on that week. Which is good, because I fidget.
3. You make my short stubby little hands look pretty.
4. When you start to peel off, I get to keep my hands occupied peeling the rest of you off, which is almost as much fun as putting you on in the first place.
However, I also have some complaints.
1. You dry out too fast.
2. You only work if you're expensive.
3. You don't stay attached to flimsy fingernails (and mine are the flimsiest).
4. While it's fun when you start peeling, I'd rather you didn't start doing it after 6 hours.
I hope you take all of this into consideration. Thank you for your time.
Yours sincerely,
Samantha Cox
I take it back. They still look all weird and stubby.
