My Birthday - Celebrating Making It Through Another Year!

First of all, my apologies for the lack of postinglast week.  I’m dealing with a bit of asticky employment situation that I’m afraid I’m not quite ready to talk aboutyet – I promise I will fill you in once things are a bit more sorted, as Ithink it’s an important area to discuss.Anyway, the long and short of it is that I am currently out of work,which has put me on something of a downer.I have not felt well enough to work for a while, but knowing I don’thave a job to go to once I’ve recovered a bit is a hard thought to dealwith.  As it is, my husband is alreadypractically killing himself working overtime to try and keep our heads abovewater, so I have an overwhelming feeling of guilt that I am not contributingfinancially.  I also derive an awful lotof my self-esteem from my work.  I take pridein doing the best I possibly can and get a great deal of satisfaction fromknowing I’ve helped someone in whatever small way by doing my job well.
As I said, I’m not really ready to talk about thatright now.  It’s making it rather difficultto write this, as that has been my most preoccupying thought this week.  A week that contained my 25^thbirthday, no less!  Despite that cloudhanging over me, I did manage to enjoy celebrating making it through another year.  I’ve taken the plunge and had a drastichaircut, which is something I like to do to sort of “reinvent myself” every nowand then.  Having a fresh new look puts abit of a spring in my step and helps me to feel like a new person, although I’mnot exactly a “girly-girl” or anything.
My husband also took me down to the National MotorMuseum at Beaulieu on Saturday (at my request, I hasten to point out – I love myclassic cars just as much as he does!Plus they have an exhibition of Bond cars throughout this year, and I doso love my Bond films).  The day startedrather chaotically, as I had neglected to print our e-tickets off until then,only to find my printer was out of ink.Cue a hurried trip out for printer cartridges, which led to us leavinglater than originally intended.  Thestress was then further compounded by a massive queue at the McDonalds drivethrough when we went to get breakfast, and taking a wrong turning that led tous ending up hopelessly lost in Southampton.We were just about at the point of giving up and going home when Imanaged to get my phone to show us where we were so we could work out how to atleast get to the right side of Southampton, and then we were able to pick upsigns for Beaulieu.  I came damn close toa full blown panic attack in the car, but I managed to keep it under enoughcontrol that I just got a bit teary.  Wefinally made it in one piece, and had a lovely day wandering around and havinga bit of a dribble at some of the exhibits.We then had a couple of friends over for the evening, which, to behonest, was the bit I was most nervous about.In my circle of friends, birthday celebrations normally turn into massdrinking, with shots and cocktails and all sorts of crazy concoctions.  I’d made it clear from the off I wanted it tobe quite low-key, and everyone is aware now that I’m currently not drinking atall due to being on the fluoxetine, but it still felt a little weird.  It turned out to be a nice, chilled eveningand I felt very little pressure to liven things up a bit, which was arelief.  It was nice to just spend sometime with friends in comfortable surroundings (and, as usual, got some funky,inspired pressies!  I don’t know how theydo it).
On Sunday, I went to my grandparents’ house for ourtraditional birthday tea and cakes.  Ithink it’s probably my favorite bit of birthdays in my family.  We all get on really well, have a laugh andreminisce, along with some good-natured ribbing.  My husband was far too knackered from theweek’s work to join us, which was a little awkward at first as I know my familyreally enjoy his company too, but thankfully they are very understanding of howhard he’s been working recently.  Afterall, they understand better than anyone just how tricky looking after me can be– I think they’re more concerned about his wellbeing than anything else, as itcan be a real drain propping me up all the time.  I think, actually, that I enjoyed myself morethan I would have done had I dragged him along, as I didn’t have to worry abouthim, and I knew that he was getting some valuable time to himself, which hegets very little of these days.  I feltrecharged by some quality family time, and he got some well-deserved rest.
Tuesday was my actual birthday, and I spent themorning shopping in Guildford with my mom.Being able to spend more one-to-one time with my mom is possibly thebest thing about not working at the moment.She has always been brilliant at listening to me and giving me justenough of a push when I need it.  She hasbeen quite stretched of late between looking after my dad and my grandparents,so I do sometimes feel like it’s asking a lot of her to look after me as well,so I have a tendency to try not to burden her with too much of what’s going onin my life.  However, she knows whensomething is bothering me and gives me just enough gentle encouragement toshare it.  We had a nice, relaxed daywandering round the shops – we didn’t actually do much shopping, but we had agood old natter and did our usual thing of laughing at some of the moreridiculous items of clothing in the shops.We did have to cut things off a little promptly as I had to be back formy CBT session at three, but it worked out just about OK.  A few people have queried why I scheduled myCBT to take place on my birthday, but, to be honest, I’ve started seeing it asmy weekly treat – a bit of time to take stock and talk about myself without worryingabout being judged.  I find it a loteasier if I view my treatment this way, rather than as a chore.  After all, if the idea is to help me feelbetter, so what better definition is there?
Birthday celebrations continued last night with ameal out with my in-laws.  Myfather-in-law and I actually share the same birthday, so we always do some sortof joint celebration.  Fortunately, myappetite seems to have started to come back this week, so I could do theall-you-can-eat Chinese buffet justice!Actually, that’s reminded me of something I meant to mention, that I amnow no longer taking the omeprazole (antacid) that I had previously beenon.  I discussed it with my GP as I was gettinga lot of stomach pain, and she agreed that it could be related.  Now that the fluoxetine seems to have kickedin, she was happy for me to try coming off of it, and I’ve barely had any painsince.  I think this might be why myappetite is returning as well.  I’ll bekeeping an eye on it as one of the more helpful side effects of my reducedeating has been that I’ve shifted a fair bit of the extra weight I’ve beencarrying around, and it has been a real help being able to look in the mirrorand not see a wobbly mass of blubber staring back at me.
This week I will need to be a bit careful, as Ioften experience a bit of a “post-birthday slump”.  I’m hoping to resolve the situation with my previousemployment over the next couple of days, which would give me a welcome boost,and would mean I’ll be able to talk about it!Please keep watching this space.