The stages, if you recall, went something like this:
1. I'm Samantha and I'm new to blogging and I'm an innkeeper and I think my stories about all my jobs are super cute and funny. I also think it's pretty racy to use the f-word on the internet. I mean, I link to my blog on my Facebook account, and I'm Facebook friends with my grandmother! I'm happily married and have a cute little life where I make pancakes for a living and do things like take day trips to IKEA with my mom to buy things with which to better organize my beautifully-decorated home.
Waaa.
2. I'm Samantha and fuck the work stories, I kinda want to talk about whatever I want to talk about. There is no longer any thrill in the word "fuck." It's just a word. I feel like I'm finally being real with my readers. I move and get a new job or two. My stories are about things like how much my job sucks when I'm the only one who mops, and how ugly boys' stuff can be.
And stripping bears. You know. The usual stuff.
3. Suddenly I've moved again. My posts leap from routine stories about life and how much hotel guests suck balls to things like "ha, I'm totally insecure, and on one hand that makes for hilarious blog fodder and on the other...*sniff* nevermind. I don't cry at night or anything." Everyone starts to sense that something is wrong.
More or less all my personal belongings.
4. It sort of just becomes known that I went through a break-up. I've also just turned 21, and my posts shift into things like "holy shit getting laid is hard" and "mmm beer at bars etc." My desperation is clear and comical. I share gleefully the first time I bone after the breakup, months later.
5. I confess having become sad, lonely, and horny enough to try internet dating. Several stories ensue. I decide I'm digging this whole being open and single and dating whomever I please thing. Coming out of my depression, I start to have revelations about life and myself and how to not be so goddamn insecure and depressed and sad all the time, and I blog about them.
This Scumbag OkCupid Guy meme shows both my venture into the world of internet dating and my nerd-phase.
6. I decide to move! Biggest decision of my life. It is obvious change will happen. I am becoming a gypsy like I'd always dreamed and never had the balls to do. I grasp the few convictions I've come up with in the last 7 months, pack up the one-third of my shit that I decide to keep, and hop on a plane. I am convinced that I will never be in a relationship again, that I will be a wanderer, a free spirit, an open lover, and a hopeful liberal feminist environmentally-friendly hippie powerhouse for the next several years as I move around, see the world, connect with whomever I please.
I WAS right, by the way. Charleston hated my guts. I'm just sayin'.
7. Life starts happening. I'm going from learning how to meet people to how to meet good people to how to meet amazing people. I blog less. I walk and sing and dance and laugh and drink and talk and fuck and watch movies and go out and have the time of my life. I meet about 15 million people in the space of 3 months. Tyler and I start spending time together. Suddenly those convictions don't all seem quite so solid. Suddenly, out of nowhere, the idea of being in a relationship doesn't sound so bad. I seem to have something resembling a healthy self-esteem for like, the first time ever.
8. I decide to move again. Funny thing about Tyler is that I can do things because I want to be in a relationship and do things because I want to be a free spirit, and they can be the same things. I gypsy it up with him and we pack everything we own in his car and move together.
9. This is one y'all didn't get to see, and which I am now sharing with you for the first time. I went through this really weird phase where that jolly, secure, happy, confident sense of self I'd developed started to go downhill. I felt strange and sick all the time, constantly worrying, my OCD flaring up big-time. I felt like I couldn't be sure of anything, and like surely things were going to go all wrong on me. I felt like I didn't know who I was or what I wanted, like I wasn't worth anything, like I was weak and lame and broken. And I couldn't figure out why.
My friends, I've realized some extremely important things about myself, my life, and my relationships with people lately. Something changed with Tyler...what I wanted changed. I realized I didn't want to fuck anyone I pleased, that I really wanted to be with just him right now. I realized I loved him deeply, and needed him. And remember where I was at when I met him?? CONVINCED I would never be in a relationship again, that forever-love wasn't real, that my way was to go around the world connecting with different people however I chose, and letting love come and go as it would--no commitments. I suddenly wanted something different. That scared the shit out of me.
But you guys--what we want can change. And that's completely okay. I have never been one for extremes anyway, but of course at the time I couldn't see that I was only in a phase. Where I'm at now is much more who I am than any of that was, even though it was beautiful and freeing. I was terrified and insecure and I felt guilty, like I'd somehow betrayed myself and what I wanted--but you know what actually happened? Falling in love freed me. I was restricted by the pain from my failed marriage and the fear of that happening to me again, and falling in love proved to me undeniably that such a thing exists, and allowed me to believe in it.
It also allowed me to delve further into who I am on other levels as well. AM I such a liberal? Politics are fucking confusing, and I kind of hate the whole system. Maybe I don't fit quite so well into any box. And the earth and nature are incredibly important to me--but I haven't been recycling as much as I'd like to or been very active in other ways. Maybe I should kick my ass into gear and take action regarding things that are so important to me. And yes, I'm still a feminist...but I've also always connected deeply to men, and I care about men's well-being just as much. I'm a feminist because I question the way our culture sees gender and gender roles, and because I believe strongly in equality. I also have a strong conviction against violence toward innocents, and when I hear about the high rates of sexual assault it upsets me a lot, especially having been a victim of it myself. But if it were men who had such high statistics of rape in our world, it's them I'd be sticking up for. Maybe the things lots of feminists get on board with aren't where my particular strengths are needed.
You guys have been reading my posts long enough to be able to tell when my mind is spinning, especially when it's in a healthy, having-revelations-about-life sort of way. Basically what I'm here to say is: trust yourself, and what you want. It's okay for it to change. And always strive to be the most beautifully YOU that you can be.
