I’m not a music person.
That’s a hard pill for most people to swallow because music is powerful and, on a logical level, I know that.
I’ve witnessed pain– real pain– eased more by music than medicine. I’ve seen people reach the very darkest moments of life and only find their way back with the guidance of a song. I’ve sang melodies that have made grown men cry and played music that has had real impact on social and educational causes.
I’m not denying the magic of music– only that it rarely affects me. Sure, I was upset when closing my Facebook account also de-activated my Spotify account. And sure, a song might bring back memories, or a particular phrase will capture my attention– but that’s not quite the same thing that others experience so far as I can tell.
There is one song, though, that I think might have saved my life, or at the very least– changed the tapestry of my future.
* * *
I was in a hospital room, waiting for my family to return and hoping that my father didn’t die in the meantime. His breathing was wrong, and I could hear it. I could hear a lot of things.
The ticking clock.
The beeping machine.
His low, almost silent, groans of pain.
My heartbeat.
I focused on that and, suddenly, it was all I could hear. It was deafening. Boom, ba boom, ba boom, boom, ba boom. I could imagine my heart bleeding into my body and my blood heating in my veins. In my mind, my blood was like acid and it was melting my bones.
I scooted farther and farther into the corner, until I was facing the wall and crumpled up. It was just a panic attack, but it felt like a heart attack– and I stopped breathing. I wasn’t holding my breath or anything– I was just unable to intake air.
I opened my mouth but nothing happened. I stood up and opened my mouth wider, suffocating now– and suddenly, rote memory kicked in. Years of choral practice manifested– and my pose created a sound. It was just a note really; the first note of a song.
I wish I could say that I defaulted to really cool punk rock– but what came out of me was a squeaky, gasping version of a tune I learned for 5th grade choir.
One little song that’s freely sung
One little bit of good that’s done
Brightens the world for everyone
Like a candle’s golden ray
I hated the song when we performed it, but in that moment, it blended perfectly with the sounds of my heartbeat.
Keep your light, shining bright. Like a torch of hope held high.
I sang the whole song, out loud, focusing on it for balance and peace of mind. When I was done, I quietly went back to taking care of things, like normal.
My dad woke up only a few minutes later. He didn’t ever mention hearing the song, or seeing my breakdown, but days later when we took him home, he was humming it.
* * *
Now whenever my heartbeat screams at me, I don’t envision the destruction of my body. I hear the start of a song about goodness. It’s a silly little song, but it plays to the beat of my heart and gives my mind a beautiful picture to hold onto.
It’s just one little thing, but like the song says:
One little candle burning bright
one little gleam of radiant light
shimmering softly in the night
makes the darkness fade away.
_______________________________________________
You can find the full lyrics to the song here. Have you heard it before? Have you ever had a panic attack? Were you ever in a choir?
Write about how music and peace intersect in your life for the Bloggers4Peace monthly challenge. More info here: http://everydaygurus.com/2013/08/01/monthly-peace-challenge-one-good-thing-about-music/
