Pressure, I feel pressure, pressured that tomorrow may never come, pressured that my days are numbered, that I might snap one day and end everything and everything that happened until then was all for nothing. It's hard, it's depressing and still it can get a lot harder, a lot more depressing, a lot worse. We know that we can't control everything, and yet there a lot of things we can control, but I feel like there are very few things, not to say that there are none, that I can control. I can control when I eat, I can't control how much I eat, not that I have an uncontrollable compulsive need to eat, but because there are very few things I find in the fridge, and that's not even we are poor, we're not, but because there isn't a "we" anymore, my family has completely disintegrated and it's started a long time ago, way before I could do anything. My family is one those families where opinions are not needed or respected for that matter, a family where the members don't treat each other as equals, where there is a constant fight for a place in hierarchy, a family where there is too much, way too much left unsaid, unspoken that adds tremendously to the pressure you feel inside, and maybe I should speak for myself.
Out of all family members I had to be the one to give crap about the words that were said, to give crap about the feelings we had, why couldn't I as cold as they were? To be careless, rude and insensitive and be able to move rather quickly. It's incredible how some people can lie to your face and people that are being lied to, know they're being lied to and no one is saying anything. Sounds tangled and it is, it usually is. You call them on their lies but they will deny it making an idiot out of you. I'd rather hear the truth and I know I'd be hurt less but no, it's like they want to hurt you more on purpose. It's incredible how some people can mime certain feelings like love for each other, care, moral support, basically acting but guess what, they are not that good actors after all, only they think they are the greatest ones out there.
I's so tired of being accused that I'm not anything to get myself out of the place I'm in now, out of the deep depressions, out of the rabbit hole but what I think is that I'm doing a good job surviving and that's damn hard to do it alone, with no support system, no best friends, no parents, no loved ones. My heart goes to those who are in my situation, for most of them it will never get better but God, I do hope I'm wrong, I wanna believe that there is a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel, even for me, but I can't, I have no base for that, my experience has taught me otherwise.
I look at this seemingly happy five-year old and I'm wondering about where did he go? Is he inhere somewhere? Is he dying? Is he in a deep come? Is there anything to do for him to save his life? I miss him, I miss him everyday and it scares me that I may never see him ever again. There isn't very much I can do, all I can do and can control is how much air I inhale, and how much carbon dioxide I exhale, how much pasta I eat for dinner, my only meal for the day, the simplest meal 'cause by the time I get hungry I'm way to hungry to have time to do something a lot more complicated, while being hungry I cut corners and i don't have time to follow the rules.
I'm reaching out to people I know through facebook, twitter, pinterest, stumbleupon, bloggers, blogcatalog, toateblogurile, cause.com, other websites and forums, leaving links through signatures, but nothing seems to work, it's either we have got too many to have time for everybody and care for everybody, or it just seems that way and we are too lazy to make an additional effort.
Oh sometimes I swear to God, my life seems like the perfect scenario for a good brazilian telenovela or perhaps a perfect Cannes candidate for the award in the best drama category. I might add something after I come back from sleep, as believe it or not but every blog article has some major birth pains, it's stubborn getting written, every article is a struggle as it defines my entire life, the biggest struggle there is. In general my biggest wish may be getting a camera and be happy and make others happy and have no more impassable difficulties but right now, right in these moments I'm wishing for a nightmare-less night, no dreams where I'm being chased, shut at, no planes coming crashing down or missing flights out of the hole some people call home country, no nothing, but i know better that's not gonna happen as everyday struggles reflect in the dreams we have, so if you are still reading this, adjust your attitude and it will be simpler and you won't have to dream bad at nights, trust me, I know what I'm talking about, some people will try to compare your seemingly simple issues to what others go through, will try to prove that what you have is nothing compared to others, but remember your problems are also problems but because their put to big comparisons you can adjust your attitude and take it in less with less damage and still thinking that you can overcome them, that the problems you don't loo as bad as you thought at first, that other indeed have it a lot worse. This is it for now, I just wanted to keep the connection, although I wanted to take a break of thirty days all I needed was some time to recharge and come back to whine some more. See you soon.
