I love and hate this photo. Hate because it's not up to my standards and I love it for obvious reasons. Today was awful. One of the worst days I've had in years. I felt lonely, overweight, ugly and generally not worth the air that I breathe. That's probably not something I ever imagined myself sharing...it seems 'too much' and too private to share but I feel that way, it's life, it happens and sometimes it's not a beautiful world. I've struggled for a long time to be okay with myself, to re-think my old patterns, to re-learn bad eating habits and I've sincerely done my best to be healthy. It never seems enough on days like today and it bothered me. I expressed this through crying for an hour or so. I think I've always been taught that there needs to be a reason for tears, for crying...and yet when people laugh they need have no reason, you're allowed to be happy but must have a very, very, very good 'excuse' or reason to cry, to express feeling sad. When I was younger my parents would always say things like, "stop crying" or "you have no reason to cry!" and while I'm sure no harm was meant I think it does inadvertently cause harm. The message is that crying is not okay or you need a reason to be sad. I recently found out that tears are good, that the body excretes stress hormones and it was my eureka moment. We're designed for it to be okay to cry.
