It’s that time of the year again, when we sit in front of the TV and shout “You total bleedin’ Muppet – what the f*ck is an ‘Emergency Biscuit’”
If you are a like me, all biscuits are emergency biscuits – which is why I live my life in a state of permanently high agitation!
And then there was Stuart, who wasn’t just a one trick pony – he was a whole field of ponies!
The Apprentice returns next Wednesday at 21.00 – it’s something I love and hate in equal measure. I’d go so far as to say it’s a secret guilty pleasure.
I think we can all relate to The Apprentice in one way or another. We’ve all been on team building away days where you’ve got to work together to fathom out something pointless about a cardboard box. It’s supposed to bring you closer – but all it ever manages to do is prove that Gary from IT (a former Queen’s Scout) thinks himself an expert on everything – including the art of annoying tw@t.
Having perused this year’s candidates, it seems that we are in for a deluge of delights. Here are this years candidates:
Adam Corbally: Market Trader (32 years)Azhar Siddique: Founder & Managing Director of Catering & Refrigeration Company (33 years)Bilyana Apostolova: Risk Analyst (25 years)Duane Bryan: Founder/Director of Drinks Distribution Company (29 years)Gabrielle Omar: Architect (29 years)Jade Nash: Business Development Manager (29 years)Jane McEvoy: Co-founder of Food Manufacturing Company (28 years)Jenna Whittingham: Beauty Salon Owner (25 years)Katie Wright: Editorial Research Director (26 years)Laura Hogg: Bridal Shop Owner (28 years)Maria O’Conner: Restaurateur (20 years)Michael Copp: MD Kitchen and Bedroom Furniture Retailer (31 years)Nick Holzherr: Technology Entrepreneur (25 years)Ricky Martin: Recruitment Team Leader (26 years)Stephen Brady: National Sales Manager (33 years)Tom Gearing: Director of a Fine Wine Investment Company (23 years)
Feel free to watch their audition video’s at your leisure – we’re going to get to know this group of people very well. For a few sparkling weeks they will undoubtedly burn very brightly, before disappearing back into the corporate shadows.
It looks like there are some characters. It will be interesting to see how they work out – and how many have lied on their CV’s!
I’d say watch out for Jane McEvoy and Laura Hogg as strong candidates. Beware of Michael Copp’s incredible eyebrows, Maria O’Conner who looks like The Apprentice’s answer to Stacy Solomon, Nick Holzherr and his amazing comb over which stretches right from the back of his neck and Ricky Martin’s scary, starey eyes.
In the mean time, get your Corporate Bullsh*t Bingo cards ready:
Adam Corbally: Market Trader (32 years)
A horse walks into the bar, the barman says what’s with the long face?
I am a funny guy, I’m a nice guy, I’m a people person.
I’ve got a million and one ideas that I could bring to the table.
I’m not your typical inventor, but I’ve got good ideas, but I know what will work just by going through everyday life and thinking – that’d work.
Sugar’d like me. I’m a lot like him.
I do get along with people – and I do. But I can quite easily fall out with people as well. I don’t want any back stabbing. I don’t want any two faced-ness. I’m not there to play games, I’m there to win.
I’m very, very positive. Negative people make me angry. I don’t lose it a lot, but when I do lose it, I lose it. I’m not going to punch anyone in the face, but I won’t be scared of telling someone what’s what.
I won’t take any prisoners. I don’t want any excuses. It’ll be leave, just go, get out my face, you know, enough’s enough.
The basics I’m a master in – absolutely. I’m a buyer, I’m a seller, I’m a manager, I’m a planner.It’s not what you do, it’s how you do it which is exactly it, and I do it right.
Duane Bryan: Founder/Director of Drinks Distribution Company (29 years)
I know where I’m going to get to, but to get there, you’ve got to beak a few eggs to make an omelet, so they say.
I want to be a whole new breed of winner. I don’t just want to win the show, I want to go on and create something.
What I’ll do after I’ve gone on and won the show is go and do something that we spoke about.
I am made of that substance. I’m a person that can get things done and will get things done. I’ve proven that by my ability to get things from the floor into reality.
I won’t lose focus, I’m telling you here that I’m here to win so what that means is that I have to be harsh, it means that I have to be kind. I have to be both sides to the coin. I’ve got many different masks and I’m prepared to use them.
I am quite humble, I know where I’ve come from, but not so long ago I was away on holiday and there was some tourist that thought I was Tinie Tempah – and I let them believe that. I told them that they were great and that I’d fly them out to my next show in Madrid (I was in Ibiza at the time). I told them I was on tour and they really believed it.
Ricky Martin: Recruitment Team Leader (26 years)
I call myself the fitness Ricky hype, superstar Ricky hype. I am the reflection of perfection. The reason I’m the reflection of perfection is because other people look at me and they want to be me.
The thing that only really frightens me is probably myself. I’m a professional wrestler outside of my work environment and I succeed in the ring. I win titles, I win awards, I’m well known in the wrestling industry in the UK.
I don’t think that I’ve ever been out of my own comfort zone. My comfort zone is unlimited. I’m the person that you want to work with. I’m the person that you want to work for – you want to work with. I’ll be somebody that you’ll know for the rest of your life and I’ll be somebody that your grandchildren will know for the rest of your life.
I’m going to get there by being ruthless. Lord Sugar would probably find my ego a bit difficult.
I’ve got more than just a business acumen to offer. I’ve got lots of people skills. I can sell, market, I can promote, I can product design, I can get people together, I can get the result.
He’s not investing in a business man. He’s not investing in a sales man, he’s investing into a business super star.
Jade Nash: Business Development Manager (29 years)
It’s about status, it’s about money, it’s about doing the best that I can within my small life period that I have.
I’ve got two houses, I’ve got a nice car, really what I want to do is to be able to retire when I’m 45, but to be honest, I’m such a workaholic that I’ll probably carry on until I’m 80.
I just want to be myself. I don’t want to try to make other people look bad. I know that might be some other people’s tactics, but it’s about being yourself – I think in the end justice prevails. I’m never intimidated by what people do. People are people at the end of the day. When Lord Sugar isn’t at work, he’s Alan Sugar. He’s a father, he’s a husband. People are all the same and if they’ve learned or done more than me, if they’ve got successful businesses, then they’re my friend. I’ll make sure they tell me what they’ve done and I’ll follow in their footsteps.
If someone cried and they weren’t up to standard and they couldn’t take the pressure then obviously that would reflect. It wouldn’t look better on me, but on everyone that wasn’t crying. It’s not ideal, you’re in business, it’s business – you shouldn’t be crying!It’s my time and I want to be Lord Sugar’s partner.
Good luck to all the candidates. Let battle commence!
