My palms are limply sprawling upon my cheaply manufactured keyboard. Ifeel insecure and frightened. My eyes are attentively fixed on the blank pageof my unoriginal Microsoft word. My heart is aching. I can sense gnawingcontractions deep beneath that unchanging skin color of mine. I am scared. I amscared of death. My breathing grows shallow as I vividly recallthe death of those whom I cared about. I clear my throat with a quiver in thepresence of death memories. Here I am alive provided that I do not stopbreathing. And when will I unwillingly abstain? Allah only knows. I ask Allahfor a graceful closure as I weep like infants haunted by a vintage horrormovie. I ask Allah for mercy for it is his justice that can send me to hell inan overnight, FedEx-like manner. I have pompously sunk in the reeking waters ofsins for far too long. Denial served my sins like a homemade meal tinged withpoison, delivered by a mischievous housewife seeking revenge. I sometimeswonder how Allah will have treated me if my soul was taken in a diligent momentof sinful planning. In an airless, silent night, I only ask Allah if he thinksfavorably of me. Am I as good as my ego claims? Am I as good as the complimentslavished upon me by the respectable people I am familiar with? How unfortunatewill it be to live with a perceptual delusion dictating comfort upon yourspirit while otherwise should be felt.
My tooth sinks mildly into my lower lip as Irecall my most daring sins. I tightly close my eyes as an innate escape fromthe horror of what seeps into my mind. Oh, Allah please forgive me for I havenever been insistent on sinning. Disregard my weakness as it sometimes becomesthe clumsy expression of my repressed frustration. I never meant to harm nordid I mean to break. Bestow your blessings upon my future and guide me to thesoundest decisions. No honor should be claimed in any achievement prior to aprayer of gratitude to what you have given me. I fear you and wish for this fearto justify the graceful closure that I am heartily yearning for.
A colorless chuckle appears upon my face in theclimax of my most sincere prayers. It is because I fear breaking anotherpromise after a wishful prayer for forgiveness and mercy. It makes life seemsarcastic how fluctuating our mindsets and spiritual moods are. I believe that your mercy is mandatory as it is our imperfections that cannot be processedwith mercy-free justice. Nevertheless, it scares me to know that I may bebelieving in a soothing fantasy and it is denial whispering thickly into myears.
Yet, in the bleakest moments of fear, your holy verses gush through the backdoor of my mind. My insecurity trails off as Icome to seal my prayers and indulge further more in the validated affairs oflife. I know that perfection resides only in the beautiful minds of ours andthat diligent attempts are what we should undertake on a daily basis. If onlywe were sincere and hearty in our attempts, the hardest obstacles would bedispelled. I do love Islam as it is the soundest philosophy on earth. Living itby the heart is a boon bestowed only upon the elite. Even though my actionscome nothing close to speaking confidently about religiosity, yet I remainpersistent on displaying my love towards Islam and my faith in the mercy of mycreator.
The remembrance of death steers the hearts ofthe righteous. It is unprocessed by those who befriended denial and pride eversince their birth. The remembrance of the daunted party crasher rectifies ourbehaviors as it is inevitable for us to deviate into dreadful side roads.
I pray Allah to forgive all mankind. Nobody canwithstand a split-second spent in torture. I pray him to guide our hearts andnever leave us unshielded in face of the ultimate cultural war. Please Allahaccept our prayers and gift us the honor of adequately representing Islam.
I ask you to pray for me. This post is intendedfor those who care the least about me and are willing to invest countableseconds asking Allah to gift me the graceful closure I am wishing for. Thankyou.
