The fuck.
Do I want to do.
With my life.
Seriously.
I have all these questions floating around in my brain. Should I go back to school? Should I try a new field or should I stick with hotels? Should I take something I love, like writing, and try to make that a career? How important to me is money? What's the minimum amount I need to live the way I want? For that matter, how do I want to live? Do I want to travel? Do I want to live in Portland? Is it wrong not to live up to your potential? Is it wrong not to be successful? What does success mean? Will I look back on my life and be satisfied?
It's fucking intense.
On some level, I know the following things about myself:
-I like to live in the moment.
-Money is not very important to me.
-It is not difficult for me to live simply.
-I am much happier when I have more time to rest, to absorb the world, to spend with loved ones.
-I tend to get sick of my jobs. It's dangerous to do something I truly love for work.
But how long will those things be true? What happens if, say in 10 years, I decide I want children? Living the way I am now, I would be hard-pressed to care for even one child, and I certainly wouldn't be able to give it much in the way of comfort and luxury. Should I be preparing, working my way up somewhere, going to school...something to guarantee that I'll make more money by then?
Or is it more real and beautiful to raise a child in a life that makes you happy? I spent the latter half of my childhood in the suburbs. Beaverton was the name of the town, and I thought Veronica Mars' character Piz summed it up pretty well when he said "minivan in every driveway, chicken in every pot." Most of the people there had come from somewhere else. They settled there to raise children. And with good reason; Beaverton has the second strongest school district in the state, it's relatively safe, it's comfortable, it's community-minded, and people there are truly kind to one another. It's like fucking Mayberry.
But I always wondered this: did the fact that most of the parents settled give their children a less real experience?
It always seemed to me that the children you read about in books who have really unusual upbringings were the most interesting, deep people--and the ones who knew who they were and made an impact on the world. It makes me wonder if perhaps, to some extent, exactly the life I desire is the most ideal to raise my own child in. Maybe if I decide I want to travel a lot, it's a beautiful, unique experience for my child to be able to travel with me and see the world. Maybe if I want to live in SE Portland in some gigantic house with a bunch of roommates and a big organic garden in the back, that's a beautiful way to raise my child. Maybe a homestead or farm in the countryside is ideal. Maybe running a bed and breakfast. WHO KNOWS??? I'm just saying, maybe what's expected and "normal" might not actually be the ideal way. Maybe what's ideal is whatever is most real. Maybe being a happy, fulfilled parent is more important than being able to provide the security and idealism of money and the 'burbs.
The problem is that there is no solid answer to any of this. Now is the time of my life when the choices I make are actually quite important. They will affect my future very strongly.
God, I'm not even funny today. I'm too wrapped up in all this. These are super exciting thoughts, you guys. I mean they're important, and in some ways a source of stress, but they're not heavy or pressing in a way that is upsetting. Mostly I'm excited to figure these things out; to live and breathe and feel and experience. I always have been, but I feel like I'm coming to a point where I'm in the position to actually DO it. I have energy, I have strength, I have confidence. I have means and ideas and excitement.
I suppose that's all I can ask for right now. It doesn't do to focus so heavily on the future, especially when the questions you have don't have answers yet. *sigh* I'm so impatient.
As an attempt to make up for forcing you guys to read through THAT, please enjoy this status my friend just posted on Facebook:
