Rainy days no more.
Figurative and literally speaking.
So I have been on the fence about posting an event that recently took place. While I know that I don't have to share every part of my life on the blog, this one has been sitting on my mind for a few weeks now. Because I do receive a steady stream of emails from heart broken gals who follow the first season of the blog, and who want to know how long it takes to get closure, I felt that it was somewhat of my responsibility to share the meeting I recently had with my ex. The ex. I am someone who after the dust has settled, tends to lightly keep in touch with most of my exes. Unless they did something really messed up or were proven jerks during the entire course of the relationship, I don't see a reason not to. I prefer to live life giving people the benefit of the doubt (sometimes too much and for too long), and don't see a reason why not to have a distant and cordial acquaintanceship with someone who at one point was considered your best friend.
It had been two years since I had seen MF and I couldn't help but want to know what he had been up to, since his cafe in the Marais is no longer. Why I wanted to know, I'm not sure, but I'll just chalk it up to simple human curiosity. Speaking to Aurelien first, I told him that I was thinking about giving MF a call. Ironically he'd had an email correspondence with the girl he had dated for years before he met me and was going to ask me the same thing. With that easily settled, I called MF who was happy to hear from me and immediately extended an offer to meet for coffee. A mix of laziness and anxiousness -- if those two emotions could coexist -- I cancelled our "date" twice. Why didn't I just cancel altogether? I feel like this was something that needed to happen. He was the ghost, this mystery of my former life in Paris, and I needed that sense of closure.
Finally setting the day, when I told Aurelien, he laughed because that was the day he was planning lunch with his ex and her new boyfriend. I swear we did not plan an "ex" day. We do err on the side of being cheesy, but we're not that bad.
Getting ready for the coffee date, I was strategic on how I presented myself. Unlike some of the heart-wrenching post-break-up meetings where I got all dolled up with coats of DiorShow Mascara, vintage heels, and hair flowing in the wind, clearly demonstrating my desperate hope to rekindle his flame for me, this time my intentions had severely changed. With my hair pulled back in a braid, very light make-up (no mascara!!) and Carmex Vanilla chapstick, I arrived in my flats and simple summer dress. This was not a "look at what you missed out on" meeting. (Although I had spent months back in the day fantasizing about it.) Those days are long gone and I sincerely hoped he was well, and would share that he had met someone more suitable for him than I was. I arrived at Café Cannibale in Oberkampf (ironically where I had my rehearsal dinner), grabbed a seat outside and waited. I admit thoug, I was a little nervous. But why? I was not expecting anything more than to catch up, this wasn't two years ago, so why were my hands shaking?
Indecisive on what to order, as coffee I feared would make me more jumpy, wine in this heat would make me boozy, I ordered an overpriced Perrier with lemon and took a deep breath. As usual, he was late, but for the first time since I had known him, I was actually grateful for his tardiness. I needed these few minutes to myself. "Bonjour, Madame, shall I now say?" I heard. I looked up and there he was. Pretty much just as I had remembered him; perhaps a little more gray, a little more filled out, a few more lines around the eyes, but more or less, the same. It was then, that any nervousness I was consumed with, disappeared. I know this person. We had spent a lot of time together, and there was no reason to feel ill at ease.
Coming prepared, I came armed with things to talk about: a few proofs of the professional wedding photos that had just come in, snap shots of my little students (I'm really starting to miss them!), and a mental list of things and people to mention that we have in common. I learned that like me, the break-up was a turning point for him as well and that he lost touch with many of our at-the-time mutual friends, citing that you don't have to stay friends with everyone forever. Life takes its course and people part ways. It's evolution.
I liked that.
We lingered at the cafe for a little over an hour, exhausting all of our conversation topics before he asked, "Don't you think you got married a little soon?" he asked. "I mean, didn't we just break up?"
I fucking knew it! I knew something like this was going to come out! He can't help himself. This coming from the guy who told me he was going to marry me a week after we met! N'importe quoi!
I laughed it off and said that to me, if I don't know after spending two years with someone if they are the one to marry (or at least be with on a permanent level) then perhaps they aren't the right one. We aren't exactly spring chickens with the luxury of having another decade to contemplate, and entertain those fun on/off, love/hate relationships. That's what the gruesome 20s were all about.
Standing outside his nearby apartment to say goodbye, I could not help but reflect on the last time we were standing in that very spot. February 2011, in the rain with my suitcases waiting for a cab to pick me up. Fast forward two years later to this day, with the blazing heat beating down on my shoulders, being a happily married woman. To someone else.
Never, did I think the events would turn out the way they did. Nor did I want to. I was hellbent on making something so broken work, even if my infinite happiness was at stake. Turning to open the door to his apartment and me heading to the nearest metro, I stopped myself mid-step and turned around. Looking back at each other, with an unspoken understanding we knew that it is probably the last time that we will ever see each other. With that, we waved au revoir. Everything happened exactly the way it was supposed to. And to be clear, my happiness is not solely derived from the fact that I am now married. My contentment comes from surviving some rough patches here in Paris, and owning the wisdom of appreciating the present and the people who I am lucky to have in my life.
It's funny how we imagine the path of our life to go in one direction and once we relinquish it, things tend to turn out even better than you had imagined. Now that's something to be thankful for. With that, I wish you all a bon week-end.
