It feels like a free fall. I am aimless. I don’t know what is going on with me. I am standing in my own way. I have no idea what I want to do in life. Everything I do I postpone. A spanish proverb says: “Mañana es el día más ocupado de la semana” (Tomorrow is the busiest day of the week). Often times I have an idea of what I could do but if it isn’t clear whether it helps it gets postponed. Valuable time is spent on other things which aren’t bringing me any further. I choose short time pleasure over long term success. I am unmotivated the whole time to do anything; It is a conscious decision to do nothing even though I know it better.
I don’t have clear goals on my mind. What I want to do, where I want to go. I feel insignificant in what I know compared to the people surrounding me. It feels like I am not really good at what I do. This is the result of my work. I jumped just as high as necessary. Once there was this ease of doings things. The idea that you know more than other. This time has long passed. The world moved on I got stuck.
Is it possible to call oneself intelligent if you are stupid enough to knock yourself out. I am lazy and don’t fight it. It is unsatisfactory, it doesn’t make me happy. There is a small bit of fight against it in me. The idea of becoming better. It is drowning in the lethargie of everyday life. Nothing has changed yet and a promise to do so is not gonna change it. It is the actual action that is missing. Reading books, learning methods, nothing will work if you don’t apply them.
I met a lot of inspirational people on my journey; people who love what they do. Whatever they do, they only expect to bring their best. How do you build up this ambition? Do you need to be passionate about it, have motivation? I think motivation is the wrong trigger, what I am lacking is discipline. In fact I know the feeling of ambition, the love for a cause. When I do sports I go to the limit. I want to be the best version of myself. Surely I am not the best but I invest all I have to become better every step of the way. Unfortunately I haven’t found out yet how to project this to other parts of my life. I feel lost. I don’t come to terms with it, with me. It feels like time is running away and I am stuck, paralyzed from all the doubts. I tripped already. Am I still falling or have I reached the bottom yet?
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