Wanted! A brazen Francophile is out on the loose! I repeat, out of the loose! She is very dangerous and needs to be locked up as she has several charges held against her! She's still out there somewhere and if anyone brings her in (with the beret) a handsome reward will be issued. Be forewarned that her and her partner will try to charm you with speaking some strange language that looks like they're kissing the air, they may offer to help you with housework or in the worst case scenario seen by several witnesses, they may present you with baked goods. They are very dangerous.
This just in. Several reports of Suspect #1 (female, 5'4", brunette, Caucasian) and Suspect #2's (male, 6'1", light brown hair, full beard, French) "abnormal behavior" from this summer have been filtering in; justifying and coaxing Suspect #1's grandparent's lowbrow decision to cancel their New York wedding.
One report is that a family member had stopped by one sunny afternoon in August of 2012 to find the two suspects acting very peculiar in the kitchen, doing things that "normal" 30 year olds do not do. Another heard weird music and sounds coming from the backyard aiding to the "sex maniac" accusation they had been labelled with. They had also been seen walking into town everyday to pick up groceries and wine, and careful analysis of Suspect #1's summer blog posts about making smoothies, wearing jellies, taking care of stray kitties, and sunbathing in a blow up pool with a pack of aggressive rubber duckies are being used as direct indications of boredom; lending to the accusation that said boredom was cured at her grandmother's haunted 100 year old house that was mind you, not equipped with either cable or WiFi.
You guys, this is really happening. I swear this is the Long Island version of Twin Peaks - just without the murders (knock on wood) and log ladies. The big hair and really strange and unexplainable drama? Check.
If these secret "insiders" bothered to inquire other than assuming or judging, then they would have learned that the strange thing that we were caught doing was called making a rhubarb pie from scratch using the organic 'barb we picked up at the local and farmer's market. Is it so hard to believe that people under the age of 75 do in fact bake pies from scratch? The bizarre music and sounds that were heard from the backyard was us cleaning out my mother's gutters while listening to Serge Gainsbourg. If they saw what was in there, they would be making strange noises too. As for my Serge, we were listening to his early jazz album with his breakthrough song "Poinçonneur des Lilas". Come on, I could have really sleazed it up with his dirty electro-clash "Love on the Beat" album, but for my neighbor's sake (not realizing that people were lurking in the bushes), I kept it clean. As for making smoothies, taking care of homeless animals and soaking up some sun out of boredom? Of course I was bored! I was waiting for my visa to come in. What the hell else was I supposed to do? Tell the cats to piss off? Or get a part time job that they would essentially find fault in? I was enjoying a summer off. Sue me. So there you have it, I have been disowned from my family because I refuse to confess to something I never did, and our wedding has been cancelled because I'm a Francophile who has a thing for Serge Gainsbourg, and I enjoy baking and hanging out in my mom's garden on hot summer days. As for Séb, he is the ultimate enabler to this perverted behavior because he's French, corrupting Long Island with this foreign way of living. I mean really, who walks into town to pick up groceries? There are cars (at 5 dollars a gallon of gas) for that! Get with the program, Frenchie!
I'm sorry to say but their ignorance is more profound than I had ever even considered. This is why I stress the importance of travel (a Caribbean Sandal's resort - while pretty - does not count). While the expat life isn't for everyone, I firmly believe that experiencing another culture at least during a vacation avoids falling victim to small town drama like this. There are real problems out there and someone enjoying a less than typical life abroad is hardly a reason to call a Salem witch trial. Séb and I can't help but just laugh at all of this. Their oblivion and warped thinking has now reached a point of satire. Seriously, it's like a bad joke. They say that you find out who is in your corner during times of tragedy as well as in times of triumph. I knew that I'd be letting go of some people, shedding some of the fat per se as I embark in this next phase of my life. I just didn't think it would be my own family I'd be bidding adieu to. So why am I not feeling a loss? Now that is strange behavior.
