Running away from Joseph was actually running away from myself. My Self. Staying meant I would have to face the reality of my flaws. Talking to him, giving him a chance to love me even when I killed him would mean I have to see myself in the mirror and continue living, loving, despite the deplorable person I see reflected back.

And I was not courageous. I ran away. I lied. I cheated. I broke him, us, me. Too fucking scared. Too witless. Too much not-enoughness.

How do I go on. I ran away from him but in truth I ran away from myself. Honesty and transparency means seeing just how awful I am, and so I lied and left. That person is not worthy of love. But I didn’t give him the chance to decide for himself and so now I reap what I sowed. Horrors upon horrors.