Dearest Kim,
Congratulations on your pregnancy. I’m sure you have gotten many letters and gifts from fans to say congratulations, and that’s wonderful. But today, I’m writing to you as a mother who needs to tell you something. This might be hard to hear, and you might hate me for it and not want to believe me, but I’m telling you it to save you.You are going down a slippery slope and it’s time you hear the truth. Ready? I’m just going to say it and not pussyfoot around. Here it is.
Girl, you need to wear some maternity clothes.
Whew, there I said it. I feel better already. Now, I know that probably hurt to hear. You are looking in the mirror saying things like, “But this is Dior!” or “People love to see my skin” And yes, that’s true, the men in the world have loved to see your skin. However, not the skin that is growing large and pressed against black mesh in an attempt to be sexy. And sweetie, sports bras are supposed to support your girls, not make a nip slip a very large possibility.
I understand that you are excited to show off your growing baby, and that’s wonderful. There is a world of ridiculously expensive maternity clothes that you can shop while saying, “OMG!” then typing something into your Blackberry and ignoring whoever you are with. But I think it is time that you put the size 4 clothes that you squished yourself into prior to pregnancy back in the closet for now. Trust me, they’ll be happier in there as well. They have to be exhausted from all that stretching.
Once again, my congratulations.
From,
Your not-so-loyal or nice, but looking out for your best interest, fan
