Remember when I was so giddy with the state of my life two weeks ago after turning 25? That feeling is now gone. The savings account that I had built up as a future wedding fund is about to be drained. I got a $4,000 tuition bill for this summer. I've appealed to my company to give me tuition reimbursement early rather that after the semester is over, so hopefully that comes through. This large bill, the largest I've ever had to pay for (my co-worker says I'm gloating here, but I'm not) has put quite a damper on my spirits.My feelings towards getting married, along with my bank account, have been drained. I'm sure M is stressed out by Step One, but we have been out a few times with mutual friends and on dates and I can't help but notice a few things.
He puts me down. I don't know if it is to make himself feel better, but it hurts my feelings. I've told him it hurts my feelings but he continues to let snide comments slip in. Last week he told the dinner table that "A monkey could do Elle's job." Yes, I've said that before on this blog, but when you see me working 60+ hours and I just ran over to hang out with you and friends after a ten hour working Saturday please don't compare me to a monkey. When we left the bar he said "Thank goodness I have a monkey who pays for the bills."
He hates all my friends. That's not entirely true, he likes two of my girlfriends. Except one is dating his friend, and the other has a cool boyfriend who M only talks to when we double date. So, yes he hates all my friends. On Saturday two friends stayed over with us and we all went to a birthday party. M didn't speak to anyone, he just stood next to the TV drinking alone. Then we went to a bar around 11pm and he told me he was going to leave in an hour. Just leave without me at midnight!
He tries to start screaming matches in public. Yesterday we went to see a museum exhibit that I had paid a lot of money for. I mistakenly asked M five times to print out tickets and then we ended up late to the exhibit because he hadn't printed them out. I was angry while we were walking over so when I'm angry I shut my mouth instead of saying hurtful things and try to internally rationalize the situation back to a happier state. M expects an immediately response. "I'm not going to this exhibit unless you say we're going to have a good time there." I refused to agree and asked him to give me the ticket I paid for so that I could go by myself and he refused. We're standing on the sidewalk next to a bunch of families and he is refusing to give me a ticket I PAID FOR unless I say I will be happy at this exhibit. He turned to head back home and I turned to head to the museum bent on using my online code to get the ticket at the booth. After ten minutes of realizing I don't give a crap if he goes or not he jogs after me.
There are things in this relationship I can deal with for the rest of my life. Pushing my covers off the bed in the middle of the night, I can deal with. Not putting the toilet seat down, I can deal with. The above items I cannot deal with. And it's really only happened in the past month, but maybe I was blind to it before. We have to sign the lease soon and I don't know if I can do it. I've always imagined myself being with someone who was more of a partner. Who built me up and made me FEEL like I was a better person. Lately, I've just been torn down again and again.
Could it be Step One putting this strain on him? Could it be personality clashes that are a warning sign of incompatibility?
What a shitty week.
