It is exhausting. And really, I think it exhausts those around me. But I don't know how else to be.
I finally realized not too long ago that my anxiety and grip on everything showed a clear lack of faith and trust in God. I felt (feel) responsible for everyone and everything. If things have gone wrong it's because I didn't do it well enough. If someone is unhappy, I'm not doing a good enough job at keeping them happy.
It doesn't naturally occur to me that something else could be the problem.
It's always me.
So I've been working on ridding anxiety from my life, my heart and my head. It's not easy to change a 26 year reality. It has involved a lot of tears, anger, counseling and prayer. Oh, and deep, slow breathing to fend off the anxiety attacks and stop hyperventilating.
{via}
The thing I've noticed is that my facade is breaking down. Before I could put on a strong and happy face. I could fake it with the best of them. Now, as the walls come crumbling down, I can't help but feel the tears fall from my eyes. I used to be able to hide, cry in silence, and cover up the evidence. Now, the tears betray me before I can hide, they are loud and noisy, my face is blotchy and my eyes are red.
God is taking away even the appearance of me having it all together and doing it all perfectly.
To be honest, I hate it. I hate not being in control of everything, let alone my own emotions.
But in the long run, I know it will be glorious. Because he's even told us:
Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. -- Psalm 55:22 Is there a care you need to cast upon the Lord? Do you feel anxious or afflicted?
