Right now I should be at the staff Christmas Party, a posh, slap up meal and drinks all paid for at a five star hotel in Knightsbridge. Why the bloody hell aren't I there?
The way I manage my anxiety at the moment is like a marathon. I time myself to get through it. A working day (about 8 hours) is about as much as I can handle in one go. I could not face another potential four hours on top.
In addition, I'm still fairly new to the company and haven't made good enough friends with anyone yet who I could stick with if I was feeling out of place. Usually I find one person I feel safe around that I socialise with, so I don't have to do it on my own. At the moment I don't have that person, so I know I would feel particularly awkward having to make conversation with lots of different people I don't really know.
Recently, my anxiety is particularly bad (hence why I've told my GP), and I'm having trouble managing it. I know that putting myself in an unfamiliar situation would heighten the intensity of it, but I'd be stuck there until at least after the dinner. I know that I would panic about panicking and put myself into a really bad state of mind.
Getting out of tonight's party was not easy either. Everyone else was in a proper good mood and high spirits, and trying to persuade me to come. Tonight I made the illness excuse. 'What's wrong with you?' they ask. Well actually a bloody huge amount and you're only gonna make it worse, is what I feel like saying. But I have to shrug it off as some pathetic head cold. I have to be that unpopular person who fakes being sick all the time to avoid parties, which doesn't help the whole making friends thing.
I really wish I could go tonight, but I just couldn't. Merry Christmas everyone.
