Today I am giving myself points for awareness.
I could have spent five minutes writing about HD, a fabulous poet I adore and who I was reading last night – her words + commentary about women’s literature. It would have been somewhat fitting to write about her and call it my brain dump and it would have been, perhaps, close to accurate.
I think the point of a “brain dump” style stream of consciousness writing period is to put out there whatever is sincerely and truly in front of you.
Katherine looking for keys and talking to herself. The drone of the air conditioner in the background. The lovely early morning light giving way to a humid looking haze.
The fact I held a container of sand paper in my hand and nearly started crying.
For no apparent reason.
And then I texted a dear friend about my depression, creeping into surprising spaces when I’m not expecting it.
People get surprised when they hear I have depression. I sometimes put on that fake smiley face and talk about how many great world changers have also had depression. Artistic types galore have either depression or bipolar disorder. I think its because creative people tend to feel a lot, perhaps more than the average, or perhaps we choose not to put a mask over our feelings.
I did that trick for a lot of years.
Which is why I am crediting myself for being aware, for noting it, for writing it, and then giving myself space to be with it. I don’t feel like crying anymore. It was a fast maneuver. It happened naturally.
That is the difference between awareness and letting my depression freak me out.
When we are grieving I think it is best to let the sadness run the course, completely if necessary, for however long is necessary, different times for different people.
But for run of the mill depression, that always close at hand, tapping me on the shoulder, waiting in my throat to turn into a fretful cough if something provokes anxiety – I have discovered loving awareness works best.
The timer just went off.
According to WORD I have several fragments and run on sentences here.
Too bad. I’m running with them intact. I’m aware and I’m hitting publish anyway.
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This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it? Here are the rules…
- Set a timer and write for 5 minutes.
- Write an intro to the post if you want but don’t edit the post. No proofreading or spellchecking. This is writing in the raw.
- Publish it somewhere. Anywhere. The back door to your blog if you want. But make it accessible.
- Add the Stream of Consciousness Sunday badge to your post.
- Link up your post at Jana's Thinking Place
- Visit your fellow bloggers and show some love.
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