I developed this essay for two reasons: for both the 31days project of Bold Stories as well as for Charity Craig's #GoodEnoughMom Tuesday Link Up.
I started writing this last night and I actually shut down because I felt like I was writing in circles. I stopped rather than making myself get tangled up in an endless loop de loop of what felt like “shoulda woulda coulda.”
I took a moment before sleeping and re-read what I had written.
I kept looking for the through line.
I was about to go to sleep and I wanted to be able to hit publish before I tucked myself in, but I knew that wouldn’t be so this time. I felt the weight of gobbled gook writing interfering with my writing output.
Here I am again, 5:50 a.m., kids still sleeping and house silent except for the coffee maker heaving and sighing, and attempting to make some sense to my blatherings so I can get this Good Enough Mom/31days post written.
If I knew then what I know now, I would create more containers for myself to fit into rather than rebelling against them. Yes, boxes are shaped like coffins and they are also helpful so things don’t spill all over everything and into everything and mix everything up, including me.
I would be more protective of one child’s space versus another child’s space, that all “our stuff” isn’t “all our stuff”. Each individual really does not only themselves to be revered, but their things need to be revered. They deserves to be revered.
If I knew then what I know now I would develop as I went along instead of willy nilly continuing with new, new, new. Right now I am beginning to glean from decades old stuff, wondering why I let go of those things so easily.
I’m learning how to let go while at the same time I’m learning to treasure and re-visit.
Isn’t that wonderful?
If I knew then what I know now I would really focus on tenacity and organization more. My own as well as my children’s.
If I knew then what I know now I could be able to say with confidence, “Yes, loves - everything will be ok in the… well, as we go along.”
If I knew then what I know now, I would have insisted Katherine attend the high school Emma attends now and never sent her to that other high school. Especially now that mediocrity is their school mascot.
If I knew then what I know now I don’t know if I would make many other big changes.
My children have always known without a doubt I love them beyond all measure. They always know, as Emma recently told my friend Kimberly, “My Mom always has my back.” I didn’t know this as a child. I know as an adult my parents love me and loved me, but as a little scared kid I was constantly in fear of not being loved and needing to be more than good enough.
My kids know they are good enough kids just by existing, at least as far as Mommy is concerned.
I suppose that is the line that weaves its way through these collected moments. Love beyond measure. If I knew then what I know now I would continue to love beyond measure though I might behave differently. I would be more mindful more often. I would not hold on so tight. I would hold the ones I love with gentle yet strong intention, allowing space for them to stretch fully.
I would be more mindful to know they are not me and I am not then, we are each unique and separate people who just so happen to be blessed to love one another deeply.
I am reminded of the words of Kahlil Gibran in The Prophet:
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
and
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving --
If I knew then what I know now, I would say and live this:
“Yes, loves - everything will be just fine as we live and love in this moment and the next and the next.”
and then show my love lunch in making unique lunches with plenty to share with their friends, showing up at school, doing laundry, dropping everything else when I hear them crying and celebrate their wins alongside them. Consistently. And when I don’t live up to my own expectations, realizing I am more than good enough after all.
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Julie Jordan Scott is a writer, performance poet, Mommy and mixed-media artist. Coming soon - more creativity camps, playgrounds and workshops to grow yourself artistically (and hey, just for fun!)
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© 2014 - Julie Jordan Scott - all rights reserved
This post is a part of the ongoing series for 31 Days challenge. I will be writing 31 blog stories about bold choices and using a bold voice....
I started the challenge late, so this is my fourth story. I hope to be caught up tomorrow. I actually have managed to be bold a lot in the last few days and plan to follow my adventures right here in this series.
The question is making sure to carve out the time and to document it all in a way you'll enjoy reading about bold choices in a most authentic, real-me voice.
I'm grateful you are reading.
