I have been to a dark, dark place. I have been there so many times before. It doesn’t get any nicer or more welcoming. It is the pits. It is a place that no matter how hard you try you can’t see tomorrow. So you close your eyes and somehow time keeps moving on.
I lost interest in eating and drinking and coffee. Coffee! Who on earth would believe that of me? Coffee has turned on me and snarled, arched its back and walked away and left me wondering why? We have gone our separate ways.I am not sleeping. I stare at the blackness until about 2 or 3 am. The nights are so incredibly long and stretch on and on and on. I lie there having in depth dialogues with myself about everything and anything. Sometimes I get up, just can’t bear to lie there anymore.
Sharing is something that is hard for me. Letting people in behind the towering wall I have built up over the years is virtually impossible. Letting people see the real me, what goes on behind my eyes and inside my head, is scary. And I have a blog, so how silly is that?
I am a people pleaser. I hate saying no. I try to please everybody all the time, and it gets tiring for me. I don’t want people to dislike me, so I am whatever you want or expect me to be. I adapt my personality to suit yours, but I have done it for so long, I think that I have lost myself somewhere along the way.Some people stress me out so much that I find it hard to be around them. Some people who assume because I am quiet that I am stupid or naïve. But really if you pass over me as not worth the time or effort, then that is fine, really. I prefer it that way. I hate standing out. I don’t rock the boat, I don’t even make any ripples as I go about my life. I know I won’t make any ripples when it is time for me to go.
At the moment I am free falling as it were. After 24 years I am anti-depressant free. Not really through choice but because the medication the doctor changed me too has made me feel so ill that I had to stop. I can’t say that I am feeling happy or better BUT I am feeling, probably for the first time in decades I am feeling and at the moment that is ok. The rawness and intensity of life feels like a splash of icy water in my face.
Anyway, thanks I think in part to some chocolate pancakes, which it appears have the ability to heal and stick together broken bits, of which I have plenty, I am functioning again. My blog is back on track. Although this time I am not accepting and saying yes to everyone and everything that comes along. I will be trying to be more honest and open and that super scary word ‘share’ more of myself with my long-suffering readers. I am learning how to say no, which is something that I am not familiar with so please bear with me here.Ok, so onwards and upwards. Battle scared, weary and bruised but forever fighting.Look after yourself and your loved ones.
Melanie
Let go of what’s gone, be grateful for what remains and look forward to what is coming.
