written by Joseph, left on my computer the day I moved out of our home.
Dearest Geneva,
I’m sitting here in your bed with a complete lack of sleep both hopeless and helpless. I have been rereading our old correspondence coming to the realization that my heart is completely broken… you have done this. I cannot fault you for that. It is only a simple truth.
You are right. I have become complacent. I have neglected you. I am reading these letters I wrote to you from two or three years ago and I am painfully saddened. I have lost the need to express to you how I feel. I do not know what has brought that change about. I will try my best not to make excuses, because they would not matter anyway. Everything I have ever wrote is truer now than it was when it was originally said. That is because I felt eternity with you. There was no finite amount of time… it was as true at the beginning of time as it would have been when this universe finally collapses on itself. Geneva, angel, I could have written those letters 3 years ago, 3 weeks ago, or 3 days ago… the words will always be the same.
But I now realize I was a fool for believing that.
I am sorry that my faults in character have kept us in a place where you feel now you need to be with someone else. I am sorry how I internalize and shut off and agonize over simple things. I realized that the person I was describing in my letters was you… totally you. I also realized the person who you were describing was no longer me… I am sorry.
I am sorry that you feel trapped by our roles.
I am sorry that you feel like you have outgrown me or that we can no longer grow together.
I am truly sorry that you didn’t give me chance to be human, to make mistakes and trust that I would realize it and change them… to improve.
For me to watch you grow and improve over the last four and a half years was a gift.
But you would not or could not reciprocate. You are not going to be there to help me and watch me grow and improve. To me that is a betrayal.
Reading those letters reminded me of us at the beginning (but also how much I felt like we have grown since). Our first kiss… Do you still remember it? I do. Clearly. Pure magic. A gift from the heavens to let us know for a split second that maybe there is something bigger. Something with meaning.
Was your first kiss with Matt as good? Or do you think it will be? Or how about the next guy?
I find myself dumbfounded at the quickness with which this happened. The lack of compassion you had for doing this all on your own. I really do not understand what has transpired here, and I probably never will. I will move on and learn and grow and say, “everything happens for a reason,” because that is what people say to themselves to justify their life and choices.
I am left with an infinite amount of questions that mostly do not mater. But the one I find rattling around in my head coming back again and again is… What has she done?
Love Always,
Your Joseph
