The text I sent mom at 2:53 am this morning: “I’m awake and I’ve been awake and I’m already on my 3rd pill and I’m trying not to be upset but I’m going to lose it.”
My hopes for my first night with Gabapentin were so high. Maybe that’s my own fault. I’ve been holding out for this medication during the past two weeks of sleeplessness, and
I have reached the end of my rope. I cried in my bed this morning, cried in the car on the way to work, trying not to cry now. The biggest issue for me is not understanding WHY I can’t sleep… if I could at least know the cause then I could have compassion and kindness for it, but since I have no clue what it is that wakes me up and turns my bed into a torture chamber, I am helpless. I can only fall back on saying that it must be my fault. I’m screwing it up, somehow.
I left a voicemail for Dr. Johnson (psychiatrist) this morning and gave him my update, told him I’m desperate and at the end of my rope, and that I don’t care what he has to give me for the weekend, I just need to sleep. We’ll see what he comes back with.
I still went to work: a big thank you to all my coworkers who have told me how tired/ill I look this morning… these astute observations are certainly the reason you all got hired in the first place. Please, keep them coming.
