9:21pm
Dear Diary,
Yesterday, I downloaded the game Age of Empires 2 and started playing on it again, and somehow got addicted to it so I didn’t have time to write. Oh well, yesterday was me time, and I just didn’t feel like talking to anyone or anything. One of the best things when I woke up yesterday was my dreams – they were wonderful. I couldn’t remember what it was about, but it doesn’t matter, I woke up in the best of moods, not to mention the beautiful weather here in Dunedin now. Spring weather is finally in the air, and I can smell the fresh air and sun!
For some reason, in the past 2 months every since my ex girlfriend broke up with me, I have woken up with bad dreams and in such a depressed mood. Maybe that proved that a few weeks ago I wasn’t over her? In the first few weeks, my dreams were about her, and how much I wanted her back. Then after that, the dreams and feelings got worse, about how I have failed life. This is how I described it to my friend: “Do you ever get that feeling, in the mornings and you wake up with a fast, fearful heartbeat. That’s what I get every morning, thinking I’ve failed in life and I have done everything wrong.” But, yesterday was the complete opposite of that – it was just so wonderful.
The only worthwhile thing I did yesterday was going out for a walk alone (I actually wanted to buy the book “The Game” by Neil Strauss but it hadn’t arrived yet and so I have to wait a few more days, but I bought another book instead called “Don’t sweat the small stuff… and it’s all small stuff” by Richard Carlson). Ah, I cannot describe to you how happy I was – I don’t know why I was in such a good mood, I just was! Along the way I decided to take some pictures on my phone, just to remember the moment.
The famous clock tower of the University of Otago (September 23, 2012)
The duck pond at the Botanical Gardens in Dunedin (September 23, 2012)
The sign at the front of the University of Otago (September 23, 2012)
A view of the lovely sky in the evening, taken on my way to Church (7:30pm, September 23, 2012)
Also, I forgot to mention that I have a huge brick wall outside my room window, so I pretty much have no view, unless I turn left. Then I can see into the courtyard, and here’s the view from my window:
The view outside my room window (September 23, 2012)
I never really noticed how much I enjoyed some alone time, just me alone by myself enjoying the beauty of life. Being here in a college has pretty much always been fast and I’ve always had stuff on my mind or I’d be with some friends. But it’s good to slow things down and just enjoy life. I haven’t had some alone time to think like this and just be happy in over 6 months now. I’m glad I did though, because now I see the beauty of the world again.
Today, I woke up in the same happy mood I was in yesterday, but I had dreams about my ex girlfriend. And it still hurts. But the weather and sun just brightened up my day – I was happy again within a few minutes! Of course, I went to all my lectures and I’m trying to get my life back again, and it feels great. I can’t believe how much the weather and sun influences my mood. I want it to stay sunny all day every day and I want to be happy all day every day. As I was walking to lectures I decided to take another photo of the Botanical Gardens (I have to walk through it every day to get to the university):
Morning in the Botanical Gardens (8:30am, September 24, 2012)
Isn’t life just so wonderful and beautiful?
But, with every good thing must come a bad thing – and this was seeing my ex girlfriend lying beside this other guy that I accused of having something going on with my ex. I really do not want to over-analyse this, but it hurt me a lot, and it killed my happy mood. I cannot explain to you why it hurt me, I thought I was over her. They were just lying down and facing each other in the common room (we live in the same residential college). I don’t think they were touching each other in any way, but I’ve come to accept that there’s something going on between them. It killed my mood, and that’s all I have to say. She got over me so quickly, and found someone else – someone who USE to be my friend. I was going to apologise to him, for accusing him of having something with my ex, but it seems true now, so I’m not going to apologise. Life is hard at this point, but when I don’t see them it seems a lot easier and more enjoyable.
It has been 2 weeks since I last spoke to my ex. We see each other and walk past each other every now and again, but we act as if we’re strangers. Which is kind of sad. In High School, I always thought that my first girlfriend and I would remain friends after we broke up. That idea’s probably long out the door now. She doesn’t look at me, or speak to me. She avoids being in the same room as me, and the last time we spoke it was as if we were lifelong enemies. Our relationship ended in the worst way possible, and I want to fix it (so we can talk to each other again), but I don’t think I can.
Sorry I had to end today’s entry in such a depressing way, but that’s how my mood changed – I was so happy in the morning but in the evening when I saw my ex girlfriend, I got depressed.
Yes, this entry title does have a reference to “Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)” by Eurythmics. I love the song and I love to sing it quietly throughout my day (even though I only know 4 lines).
Have a happy day and enjoy the beauty of life, where ever you are in the world!
Yours, -Harper
