Oh my oh my oh my! When I set the guidelines for Flat Martini to visit everyone, I had no idea that Jessica from the awesome blog Domestic Pirate would take them and BLOW THEM OUT OF THE WATER! This girl took Flat Martini on an adventure that made the olives pop out of his drink! There’s love, tattoos, and oh so much more that you have to see for yourself.
So after reading their hilarious journey together, be sure to go visit her blog and follow her on social media on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest. She’s definitely worth it!
Hi all. Flat Martini here. Allow me to show you what makes up “An Epic Girl’s Weekend.”
It starts with preparations. Can’t have an epic girls weekend with prickly legs, so, Step 1 was a close shave.
Gathering makeup. It takes a lot of makeup to look like you aren’t wearing makeup. Can’t forget deodorant, either, because a lady isn’t supposed to smell like anything other than butterfly farts. Male butterfly farts, because ladies don’t fart either.
Accessorizing is important. And it takes foreeeeeeevvvvveeeerrrrrr.
If you have children, you must make sure everything is clean and functional before you leave. Because Mommy Guilt.
Pick up your bestie since middle school. Make the car rental guy double over in laughter, say “Shit” and “Fuck,” and give you a free quarter tank of gas. Then Buckle Up, Buttercup. Safety first on girl’s weekend.
Drive for several hours listening to them chat about the biggest clusterfuck of topics you have ever heard. Wife swapping? Check. Essential oils? Check. Disaster relief for third world countries? Check. Nasty husband foot warts? Check. I wish I could have drank myself.
Stop for a tattoo?! What kind of chicks am I hanging out with?
Peer pressure.
You don’t think I’ll regret this, do you?
At another bestie’s house we did group manicures. I guess this is a thing? Girls really do sit around and do their nails together?
Sight seeing! Pike Place Market in Downtown Seattle was pretty cool, even if the traffic was just as terrible and the people just as weird as all the memes on the internet say. It wasn’t even considered odd for two grown women to walk around with a laminated clip art Flat Martini.
We experienced Hawaiian BBQ at our lunch stop with yet another bestie. Sure, she’ll commit to one man for the rest of her life but she can’t pick just one friend!
No place to change from day to evening? Just use the back of the car! Though ‘Quick change’ may not be the most accurate of terms.
It happened. We were sitting there, waiting for the rest of our party to arrive when the waitress brought Her over. Oh, she was gorgeous. Glimmering green, her glass damp from condensation, cucumber garnish set just so…
Quick selfie break! I was walking on air. I barely needed my hostess’s purse to prop me up. I was a laminated clip art martini in love.
But then, she was gone. I don’t know what happened. One minute she was there in front of me, full of wonder and life and the next…
I wished I could drink myself, again. But at our destination for the weekend, the Seattle Mom Prom, the tables were filled with candy. I drowned my sorrows in the company of Moon Pie & Kit Kat.
The cleavage at this fancy party helped, too.
I perked up eventually.
Tried out the turntables. Apparently you need longer arms to be successful.
What’s a party with an after party? Ain’t no party like a filthy minded party of moms without their children around.
The morning after though…
Girls clearly have more fun.
Until next time,
Flat Martini
P.S. Could you help me find my dream girl? I can’t get her out of my olive.
We were at Terra Plata in Seattle. You were green and gloriously 3D. I am white as a sheet and laminated paper. I couldn’t do anything but stare at you, mouth agape, eyes wide, as the condensation rolled down the sharp angles of your chalice onto your stem. Your cucumber garnish quivered each time you were raised to my friend’s lips. I longed to wipe away the gloss that was left upon your rim. Sadly, I became distracted, and you were whisked away before I could properly introduce myself. Please, Goddess of Cocktail Delights, have pity on my poor, flat heart and let me know you felt the same connection I did. I await your response, eagerly and with bated breath. Forever yours, FM
