Self Expression Magazine

Flat Martini Visits the Flatiron Building, and Uncovers a Possible Conspiracy…

Posted on the 25 September 2015 by Martinisandminivans @martinisandmini

So so clever! That’s the first thing I thought of when I read Flat Martini’s latest adventures with E. R. Catalano from the blog Zoe vs the Universe. As a New Yorker, this post was especially fun for me. I love that Flat Martini got to experience a piece of my world for awhile. And I’m glad he’s not as afraid of heights as I am! And I’m thrilled that he made it out alive though I’m wondering if there’s a hit out for him  after reading what happened on this trip. And for all those who read The Da Vinci Code – you’ll LOVE this post!

And be sure to check out E.R. Catalano’s stuff.  She is a contributor to The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets, and her humorous essays have appeared on Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, Club Mid,, BLUNTmoms, and Mamapedia. You can follow her on Twitter at @zoevsuniverse and on Facebook.

Here’s their adventure!

er catalano

Greetings from New York City! I was here not too long ago, but I came back to see the inside of the world famous Flatiron Building. The structure has a special place in my two-dimensional heart.

Besides our affection for all things flat, we’re also both fans of the triangular shape. Separated at birth?

Photo 1 Flatiron full view

Well, that’s where our differences begin, since we’re not sure which of us is older. Details surrounding the origins of the martini are appropriately fuzzy. But it’s on the record that the Flatiron Building was built in 1902.

Originally called the Fuller Building, at twenty-two stories it was once the tallest skyscraper in New York City. I’m not known for my height. However, you must admit, you can get lost in my depths.

I joined my pale host on a lovely late summer afternoon, and she took me on a tour of the building, where she works.

Photo 2 Flatiron side view

My host had the palest visage I’ve ever encountered, and I’ve seen some pale folks!

Luckily the wind was light that day. Otherwise I was afraid my lithesome form would’ve taken flight as the corner of 23rd and Broadway is famously windy.

The highlight was the “point.” Yowza, what a view!

Photo 3 View from point

Here I am looking out on Fifth Avenue from the 17th floor.

Photo 4 Looking out

Where’s Flat Martini? Look up!

Tourists crowd the plaza facing the building, and though my hostess said she normally wouldn’t do something so banal, she deigned to hold me up so we could take the shot at the beginning. (What a snob!)

My visit was going swimmingly but then something odd happened. The picture below was taken in the lobby.

Photo 5 Mystery door

A mystery!

Notice how there appears to be a keyhole in the middle of the wall? And a buzzer above that? When I asked my host about them, a shadowed look came over her eyes and she looked around as if afraid someone had overheard.

She clumsily changed the subject and practically rushed me into an elevator, explaining how, until they were replaced in 1999, the elevators had been hydraulic powered.

Photo 6 Elevator

So cage-like! So many mirrors! I felt trapped and have to admit that condensation started to form on my handsome brow.

But I would not be deterred What could be behind that all-but-hidden door?

When I pressed my host on the issue, she said it was just a janitor’s closet. But thinking back I’d observed other anomalies in the building, and of its occupants.

  1. If you count the stairs between floors, some have more and some have less. Why?
  2. On the eleventh floor, when you enter the office area, there’s an extra step you need to go up. Is something hidden underneath that half of the floor?
  3. You can’t get to the top of the building without taking a special elevator.
  4. Strangest of all was the secret handshake I could’ve sworn I’d seen my host exchange with several of her co-workers.

I know what you’re thinking.

The Illuminati!

That all-powerful group behind the New World Order that works in the shadows and pulls the strings! Could it be the Illuminati used the Flatiron as a base of operations? Did they hold their secret meetings within a room hidden behind that concealed lobby door?

Consider further evidence.

The Flatiron Building is triangular, and a triangle is one of the well-known symbols of the Illuminati, along with the all-seeing eye. Remember that view from the seventeenth floor. Talk about all-seeing.

Photo 7 All-seeing Eye

And have you ever heard of the “23 enigma,” a reference to the uncanny appearance of the number 23 in history and current events? Could it just be coincidence that the Flatiron is located at Twenty-third Street? Hardly likely!

The Illuminati were also known to use the symbol of an owl perched over an open book.

Photo 8 alternate illuminati symbol

And guess what the logo is for one of the companies that occupies the building.

Photo 9 Suspicious logo

I rest my case. I was lucky to escape with my life. They may be after me now. Anyone who reads this, they’re watching you now too. Keep a hand over your martini in case someone tries to slip you something. The Illuminati are real, they guard the knowledge of their existence jealously, and they are ruthless with innocents who get in their way. Stay safe out there. Until next time . . . 23 skiddoo.

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