Diaries Magazine

His Angel – Zandra’s Story

Posted on the 29 May 2013 by Alyssambirchfield @lyssmbirchfield
*Photo Credit: Unknown

*Photo Credit: Unknown

I want to write this to speak to the hearts of women, young and old, who have believed the lie that you are unworthy to be loved in the way that you’ve always wanted in your wildest dreams. You have loved with your whole heart only to be left broken, used up, disappointed, and emptied of every bit of hope you tried to hold on to. Time and time again, you sat there with tears streaming down your face, wondering what you did wrong or what you could have done differently. It’s almost like we believe we are daughters of a King, and we can believe it in our minds AND our hearts! Yet, because of the rejection we’ve encountered by so many people, we say this instead: “I am loved by a King. But…who can fill that last void? Who can really love me now?”

I am here to tell you, beloved, time heals. And in time, by grace and through faith, as we learn to let go of our own hopes and truly invite Christ into our hearts, He can open our eyes to such a beautiful truth.

He had called me his guardian angel and my heart fell so fast. Our friendship was rooted in Christ and His truths from the beginning, and I thought for sure that this guy would be the one. Although we guarded each other’s hearts in the best ways we knew how to, I had allowed him in to my heart emotionally and mentally as we shared long conversations about our pasts, our present, and our futures. Everything was perfect. He was the one I wanted to pray for and pursue. He was everything I had ever wanted.

We got back to school after the summer ended, and the fear in my heart that things would change slowly became reality. I no longer saw myself in his eyes. I could feel the tension in our talks and the uncomfortable awkwardness that lingered as we grew in different directions. I didn’t understand why it had to hurt so much when we began to grow apart and he walked away, and I prayed for grace. But the emptiness in my chest was unbearable.

I was the angel that was soiled and left behind. And it felt like I had been in that place one too many times before. No matter how many nights I spent on my living room floor crying out to Jesus to fill me in ways that I never thought would be possible, I still spoke the lie over myself: “I am loved by a King. But…who can truly love me? Who can fill that void?”

Here I am, one year later, and I speak to you with a heart that is TRULY made new, FINALLY! And it is ONLY by His grace and His power that I am able to freely surrender this chain of insecurity that binds me to the world and give it up to Him. One year later; a year full of heartache and pain, fervent prayer and confusion, a year of doubt and struggle, a year of brokenness. This man that I loved and would have willingly given my whole heart to, I realize now was meant to open my eyes to what Jesus has wanted me to see this whole time. My whole life I’ve said that I often fell for a boy and quickly found out that he was nothing like who I thought he was. I would talk to my girlfriends after everything had been said and done and told them that: “I think I put the face to the idea in my head of what I wanted and it was nothing like what I thought it would be.”

As I sat down earlier tonight and thought more about this, I began to speak out loud to Jesus. And it hit me: have I been carelessly putting the faces of these guys to the love that you have been pouring out to me since the beginning, only to be blinded to the fact that it’s been YOU who is that beautiful image in my head of the perfect love of my life? I have been replacing your love for me with false love, and I’ve been chasing after false loves while the true love of my life waits patiently, like a gentleman, for me to come back to him.

And oh, beloved, He always waits for you.

You have to know, that there is a prince who desires to lead you by still waters, to lie down in green pastures with you, to sing over you with sweet songs of affection, and to tenderly hold your heart with gentle love. I once thought that because that guy walked away, I was no longer an Angel that was worthy. Especially because I no longer believed that he could look at me and see the angel he once adored when we shared that summer together. But Jesus has so much grace for us. And after spending a night in tears and praying for understanding, I heard Him gently whisper into the depths of my heart, “Zandra, you are my Angel. I will never let you go.”

I want to end with a vision that the Lord used to bring me peace and hope. Last summer, I wrote a song to this man called Your Angel after seeing this vision in my heart. It’s a story about a warrior and a princess in the forest. I used to think that the warrior was the guy I had fallen in love with, and I was heartbroken when it ended the way it did because I wondered if this vision wasn’t real after all. Ladies, Jesus is so good! He will give us clarity and understanding when we ask for His Spirit to come into our hearts! Because what He did for me the other day as I was in prayer, was show me that the warrior in this story was in fact my true love, my Jesus, all along. HE is the one who dances with me and HE is the one who loves me and desires to join us as one; the light, the prince, and the bride of the prince.

Jesus is the love of my life, and I am His bride. I was Israel, chasing after false gods and chasing after a false love even after seeing and knowing that His love was what was real and true. Yet even still, my Prince waits for me to come back to Him. And even though I had given my heart to so many other things, He still calls me His spotless bride, and He takes my hand every time. I pray that you will have opened eyes and a heart renewed to see that He is standing up there at that altar waiting for you to come back to him too.

 “Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
and bring her into the wilderness,
and speak tenderly to her.
And there I will give her her vineyards
and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth,
as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.” // Hosea 2:14-15

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