Reverb 12 Prompt:When did you ask the right question? (Or the wrong question.) Whom did you ask?
It is the question I didn’t ask until the night after my show when I was a little girl that lead to the end of my theater career at the ripe old age of 11. Thirty years later, I finally returned to the stage, letting go of all that ache from my family members not showing up to see me perform in a very important to me play.
After my cancer surgery/recovery for melanoma, I went on stage last weekend for two nights only, emceeing a cabaret show. I asked a dear friend of mine, “Are you going to watch the show?”
His “No” response took me to another question… “Why not?” with another response that triggered one of my other old wounds and I literally fell apart. Thirty-nine years later, I fell apart again.
My poor friend didn’t have any idea he was poking into decades old wounds. He had no idea gentle Julie’s wrath would go so deeply.
It isn’t his fault and I shouldn’t have picked a fight because my scab had been torn off and was bleeding all over me. Invisibly.
What I said was entirely true but my delivery sucked.
The truth is, many of my closest friends didn’t show up.
Have I thought of leaving theater again, like I did nearly forty years ago now?
Yes.
I think my passion for this form of creativity is larger than my woundedness usually by people who don’t intend to upset me, they just don’t know every single intricate heart from my half-century of life. We’ll have to wait and see. Since I have been on a sabbatical from theater first due to choice, then due to cancer, I have thought a lot about my theater friendships.
When one of your old wounds gets scraped open, here are some proactive, conscious steps you can take:
1. Hear what the person says and take a moment. It just takes a moment to hear those words and recognize triggers. Instead of allowing those triggers to pull off the scabs, follow with an "I" statement such as, "Wow, I wish you would think about this...." and state why you wish what you wish.
2. Take the personal out of the conversation. Do not use "You" statements, use "I" statements as mentioned above. Remember, "I am the subject. My question opened this can of worms."
3. Apologize once you regain a space of conscious choice and aplogize without attachment. You might not be forgiven right away and you might not get the outcome you wished for, but hopefully this will begin to stop your bleeeding and any bleeding you may have caused. You never know if the other party was triggered by some of what you said. In my case, this was likely.
Yes: I "knew" all of this before I asked the question, but because I was in a vulnerable space before I asked it, I was ripe for a melt down.Be aware of your most vulnerable moments and discern whether you are ready for any possible response, including a completely surprising one that may hurt your feelings.
I made it a goal in 2013 to work on mending some of those friendships that have been left hanging rather than letting them go just because I’m not doing any shows right now. I have loved creating alongside these people and the friendships are natural when you are in the theater foxhole.
Some of the questions I need to ask now are, “Hey, you want to go out for coffee?” and then make choices accordingly.
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