So this happened…
Got on the scale this morning after another not-great-sleep and had a double take at the face plate. Understandable as my eyes were blurry from being shrieked awake by the news of how high the body count is now in the mudslide here…cuz apparently I must have bumped the station setter on my clock radio and switched it to talk radio.
…I hate talk radio. It’s almost always angry, picking fights and depressing. I hate it even more when it wakes me up out of the three hours sleep I finally managed to get.
…So anyway…where was I?
…Oh yeah, I was rubbing my eyes again to focus on the digital read-out on my scale, while behind me the shower water blasted on full, waiting to warm up.
Scale: Blinky, blinky, solid number.
Me: Wait. What?
(I get off and try again.)
Scale: Blinky, blinky, same solid number.
Me: Huh.
(I get off, jiggle the back plate, check the batteries…and try it a third time)
Scale: Yeah, I already told you…”BLINKY, BLINKY, SAME NUMBER.” What are you not understanding here?
Me: Because …how??
Scale: How the hell would I know? I have one job, lady…I’m doing it. That’s all I’ve got.
Me: But…wha…I don’t…understand…
Scale: Listen, it is what it is. Deal with it.
Me: But…but…
Scale: –LOOK!! I’ve gotten a lot of fucking abuse from you lately, you know?! Every damn time you’ve used me in like the past month, you’ve told me to go to hell, go fuck myself, or kiss your ass! Every. Single. Morning! All I do is report your weight. It ain’t my fault what the outcome is! Did I shove the booze and shit-food down your throat till you puffed up like a Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon??? NO! I didn’t! I report the results! That’s all! It’s like getting pissed at the weather man when he says its gonna rain today, and it does!!
Me: –BUT I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS CAN BE RIGHT?!
Scale: WELL, TRY! DEAL WITH IT! I’M DONE NOW! GO TAKE YOUR DAMN SHOWER AND LEAVE ME ALONE, ALREADY!!
Me: BUT, HOW DO YOU LOSE SEVEN POUNDS IN ONE DAY?!?!?
Scale: PEE A LOT?! I DON’T KNOW!!! NOW GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!!!
Me: So I’ve just passed the 10 pound mark???
Scale: I GUESS SO!
Me: Just like “that?” Just from out of NOWHERE?!
Scale: APPARENTLY, YES!
Me: AFTER ALL THIS TIME?! OUT OF NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING…DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY?!!?
Scale: ARE YOU INSINUATING THAT I’M LYING?!?
Me: IT JUST DOESN’T MAKE SENSE!!
Scale: WELL, I DON’T CARE!
Me: HOLY SHIT!!
Scale: WHATEVER, YOU’RE BEYOND ASTONISHED, YA-DE-YA-DA…NOW WILL YOU GET YOUR FAT ASS OFF MY FACE AND GET IN THE DAMN SHOWER?!
Me: IT’S LESS FAT THAN IT WAS!
Scale: WELL, “BULLY” FOR YOU!
Me: YOU’RE A SHITTY MOTIVATIONAL COACH, YOU KNOW THAT?!
Scale: IN FACT, I DO! AND I DON’T CARE.
Me: CAN’T YOU EVEN CONGRATULATE ME IN MY MOMENT OF GLORY?!
Scale: NO! LEST YOU FORGET, YOU’VE STILL TEN POUNDS TO GO!
Me: –BUT IT AIN’T TWENTY ANYMORE!
Scale: WELL, IT AIN’T FIVE, EITHER!
Me: BUT IT WILL BE SOMEDAY!! AND NOW I KNOW IT FOR REAL!
(I get off scale as it’s screen goes to black.)
Me: FOR REAL!!!
(Momentary joy fills the land, just as I step into the shower…and scald myself raw.)
Me: SUNOFAFUCKINGBITCH!!!!
Shower Head: WELL DON’T SCREAM AT ME?!!? I’VE BEEN WAITING LIKE FIVE MINUTES ON FULL HEAT TEMP! I’M ONLY DOING MY DAMN JOB!! EVERY FREAKIN’ MORNING, IT’S THE SAME THING WITH YOU…!
(end scene.)
~D
