42 pounds goodbye. Passed out in the shower this morning; slid to floor. Came out of it and forced myself to eat a banana. Spontaneous, painful muscle cramps while resting. Ketones in stinky urine. Anemic, bruises everywhere. Heart rate elevated. Blood presssure depressed. Anxious anxious anxious in my stomach. B and B12 vitamins for breakfast, coffee with 10 calories of skim milk, 200mg Provigil, more coffee. Lunchtime is string cheese, cherry tomatoes, maybe some carrots. Water til I burst. Shivery trembly. Scrabble scrabble goes this little demon inside. Now I hate food, or something. Dinner is oxcodon until my post-op supply runs out. Laxatives on the side to counteract the painkiller constipation. Iron and Vitamin C so I can grow big and strong and tie down everything that’s flapping loose. Obsess for 30 minutes in the magnifying mirror with pointysharp tweezers and I poke through dermis to see if she’s real. That blood looks fake.
Need to get back in my body but the door is locked and I’ve hidden the key.
The only thing keeping me here is my guilt. I think I’m coming undone. Unraveling is what I feel.
