Diaries Magazine

I Used To Think.....

Posted on the 23 June 2012 by Nickmcdonald @W_W_O_Nick_McD

I used to think that life could be fun for me, I thought that the people that weren't happy were just doing something wrong, they didn't think that life could be wonderful so their life just..... wasn't. I thought I was an exception, I thought that I was one of the people that could just see the silver lining in everything and always keep a smile on under all of the bullshit and sadness. I even gave myself a tattoo to symbolize that. I used to think that people are genuinely good, that everything that a person does has either a reason, or a worthy excuse, that no one would just cause harm for no good reason. I used to think that there is a way for everyone to be happy, that we could all just live the lives we want with a smile and a skip in our step, and we would all just..... be happy. I know that is unlikely but it is something I had, my blissful wall of ignorance that I relied on to get me through the day.
For the first time I can't pick myself up enough to believe these lies.
People aren't good, wither there is that part deep down is irrelevant, its deep down, no one lets it show, they are all just stuck in their cocoon of bitterness and ignorance to the fact that we are all the same, that we all want a shoulder to cry on, people to accept who we actually are, society aside, just human nature, which should be good, and most of all to have people take the time to get to know the actual person before judging them, the cover that you should not judge people by is not their appearance, it's what you have heard through the grapevine of gossip and judgment. But that is not human nature, human nature is the gossip, it's avoiding humiliation and criticism and doing what our society has deemed normal, however wrong that may be.
Life isn't fun. It may have its moments, but fun? No, not at all. At least not how it looks to me now. The moments are too few and far between for me to consider the brief moments of ecstasy to be worth misery of the withdrawal. As any addict know you can't stay high forever, you will eventually fall from your cloud and all of the misery will come crashing down on you again, harder, and harder every time as the addiction grows. It makes you wonder if it's worth it, every time you crash and think 'FUCKK, I'm never doing that again!!' But you will, I will, the addiction is there and it isn't going anywhere. I wish I could quit, just like any other addict, once an addict always an addict, that's the truth. In the end I will always go back to my old ways, causing bullshit for myself and others is just who I am, that's my addiction. I'll take my beatings, I don't care, that's what I'm here for.
 The silver lining is gone, the little black smiley face on the bottom of my foot is no longer a reminder of finding the bright side. Its cute smile has turned to a cynical smirk, telling me to forget the good and seek comfort in the pain. Maybe he's right.
Congrats life, you finally broke me.
Nick McDonald

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