Diaries Magazine

I Want To Go Home

Posted on the 04 July 2012 by Nickmcdonald @W_W_O_Nick_McD
I'm not having a good day, yesterday was my prom and of course as you can imagine it did not go as had hoped. I'm very hung over and crashing at a friends place because I was locked out of my own last night.
I don't know why I am writing this blog; I guess it is a mixture of boredom, disappointment, and anger. Most of which directed at myself. I'm not in a good place mentally and to be honest I fucking hate myself right now, I'm an asshole, people aren't happy with me.
I don't want to be passing out in this basement topped up on alcohol and and shit, I want to have something to go home to, someone to go home to, somewhere to call home; I don't feel at home anywhere right now. Home isn't a house where you live, it doesn't even have to be a house. For me home is when I feel like there is no place I would rather be, home is that feeling you get when you are holding someone you love, for me at least. The only time I feel at home is when I am holding a beautiful girl in my arms and just for once, be it a brief moment during a hug or the peaceful bliss of cuddling for hours. It is the only time where I stop thinking, my brain just shuts off and there is that feeling of.... I don't even know a word to describe it; Joy? Purpose? Bliss? Some sort of mixture of those words. I love it.
Love is a funny thing, nobody knows what it is until they are feeling it. It baffles me, there are so many different types of love: love for family which is usually oddly paired with dislike, love for people which in my eyes just gets hidden from sight, people don't fully understand what it is and the word love just gets confused. You can love a random person just for who they are, you don't even have to know them. Is it so weird to just say to someone 'Hey, you are a really cool person and I think you are great! Just want you to know that I think that.' Spread the love don't keep it bottled up because the best feeling in the world is the one you get when you know someone loves you for who you are. Then last but definitely not least, my personal favorite, and I guess you would call that LOVE, it is the intense one that you hold for only special people in your life, the one that causes you to cry irrationally, the one that hurts so bad that you feel like dying when you are not around that person. No matter how much it hurts when it is over, or some bullshit happens, the good times are worth it, I've never felt something as powerful.
I think I will go back to sleep for a little bit before my world crumbles down around me when I eventually have to face my family with what the fuck happened last night. I wish I had someone to cuddle as I fall asleep, there is no substitute for the warmth and comfort of a womans body.
Nick McDonald

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