I don’t like new things.
You know this about me.
…However, my post-BD, Super-Awesome-Life-Reboot requires new goals and new challenges in order to move forward and thrive, so I am actually surrounded by “new,” researching “new,” and actively hoping to bust my ass so hard, that my entire life will change within like one year.
…None of that is normal for me.
…In fact, frankly, it is downright terrifying.
…If all goes well, the best-case scenario has me leaving my job, my apartment, my friends, my family…in fact the entire state, and relocating to a place where I know no one at all, but with freedom to apply 1000% of my being to art.
…And the worst case scenario is: I do all the same amount of work-prep, don’t get the gig, but still continue to slam my head against the “opportunity” wall, until I do.
…Which could be… I dunno…years?
I’m in a section of my life where basically, I’m just gonna be scared shitless no matter what I do, because it all comes with gigantic odds and gigantic repercussions. And if I DON’T take the chances …right now…well, that comes with gigantic repercussions too.
…Mostly involving life-long depression, blatant alcoholism, and prob’ly a weight gain of like 500 lbs. I’m sorta not too stoked about that life-version…which means I gotta do the other thing, and I gotta do it now, and I’m basically twitching with “oh-shit-ness” at the thought of whatever outcome pops up, either way.
Do you know what I mean?
Presently, we are in “prep,” the early Phase 1 of the plan…which is the only thing I excel in. Research. I am BANGIN’ at research. Currently reading the world-over of scripted works…anything people will throw at me, pulling massive chunks of monologues, compiling, categorizing, and editing like a machine. Phase 2 begins next week with piece-prep for Phase 3, which are initial Season Generals for Theatre #1. Which is only really a grand-gesture-prep for Season Generals at Theatre #2: my actual ending goal, several months from now.
…All of which could be side-swiped at any time based on slot availability, willingness to see me based on resume and head shot alone, and…well…being up against a whole HELL of a lot of people for not a whole hell of a lot of casting slots.
…And in my head, I am all the while trying to balance the cheerleader, the reasoning practical entity, and the fall-out voice in my head…so as to be prepared for whatever occurs at whatever time…which for me, feels like saying goodbye forever to loved ones, before undergoing the knife in a basic surgery…just in case I die.
…Because that is how my brain works, friends. It’s always all or nothing. Which makes this new current Reboot downright fucking terrifying.
…Meanwhile, (in the real world)…today is just a Wednesday in June.
It’s a lot of work, being me.
~D
