Dear (Person Whose Internet I Have Been Openly Pirating),
I’m not sure whether you are aware of it or not, but you haven’t paid your internet bill in well over two weeks. I know this because I am the resident Pirate who has been tapping into your unlocked feed for the past three months or so.
It has been very convenient.
Do you know the pleasure of Netflixing straight to your TV, without having to hotspot off your phone, (and thus suck up all your data plan juiceage?)
…Well, not right now you don’t…but previously? Back when you were paying your bill? Do you remember how awesome that was?
…Because I do.
Quite fondly.
…That is, until the death-telegrams began popping up.
Not all the time, but frequently…as if the internet itself is confused as to your exact account status…a little screen will rise from the ether, announcing the cease of all access due to unpaid bill charges.
It begins: “We regret to inform you…” just like a real death.
…In antiquated times.
…While at War.
…And I can only imagine how upsetting it would be to receive such a letter as a primary form of notification for a whole life ceasing now to be…when just the notification of dead internet via one, totally ruins almost all my current plans in life, and a great deal of BBC streams.
It is most inconvenient.
…And confusing.
…Because at times, it can be quite the (pardon the expression) cock-tease.
Occasionally, for no reason whatesoever, the signal will pick up and work for a spit of time. But not with any longevity, or clarity, or reliable functionality. It toys with you: the stream. It taunts. It will state it is open for business and NOT be, or it will say it ISN’T, and work for five or ten minutes anyway…it will boot you off mid-blog, mid-FB post, mid-movie, with ZERO empathy for your resulting emotional condition or loss or frustration.
…And always, without exception, before you have finished doing whatever it is that you are doing.
It frankly, my dear sir, is a bitch.
…And like any almost-friend, who is a stranger, who also Pirates from you, I feel it only fair to warn you of her scheming ways, in case you haven’t quite picked up on them as yet.
….And to kindly inquire, while we are at it:
“When the hell are you going to pay your fucking bill? I have some serious internetting to attend to.”
Sincerely,
The Dread Pirate:
~D
