Many of you know that I have suffered with anxiety for a couple of years now. I have, thankfully, been panic-attack free since this summer, and off of a daily anxiety pill regimen for a month and a half.
In lieu of the pills (I do carry fast acting ones, just in case, but have not needed them), I have been attending consistent counseling with an awesome Christian counselor here in Big City. Something I am learning is that I do not have to be in control. In fact, life is better when I let go of control. Not only that, I cannot control the actions of other people, and I am only responsible for myself.
My urge to control everything began when I was a small child. I grew up in a house ravaged by alcoholism and domestic violence, along with a drug addicted biological mother who only sometimes felt the urge to show up for visitation but twice attempted to kidnap me, succeeding one time and failing the other.
The only way I could survive was to be in control. No one else in my life was. So at 5 years old I took control of everything I could, and took care of everyone I could. I still struggle with perfectionism because I truly believed my straight A's and winning a spelling bee (that I lost) could keep my parents from getting angry and my dad from drinking. Thanks to moving a lot in the past 5 years, I have seen three separate counselors for this issue - although I didn't understand this was the problem until my first visit.
The grace of God has done a lot of great things in my family. My dad, sister and I have a fantastic relationship and just this morning I stood next to him while he sang worship songs this morning. I wish I could say the same about my mom and biological-mom but I can't...
The Story Anyway, the point of this is: when things get rough, or hard, or scary I latch onto control. The hard thing about being in a long distance relationship is that you can't really do this. You are at the mercy of their cell phone provider - and your significant other's desire to pick up the phone when you are being a crazy girlfriend.
Last night the Boyfriend had a guys'-day that he told me shouldn't last all night. I am all for guys' days. Unless guys'-day turns into him not texting all night.
I worry when I don't hear from him. I have a fantastic imagination that can evoke car accidents, falls through the ice, and even visits to jail if I don't hear from him all night. (Again, this happens when you have to call 911 on your own parents growing up. It's not implausible in my head that someone I love deeply could go to jail and not be heard from all day long.) He knows this and 99% of the time he is really considerate of my fears.
Except, last night he went off the radar at 3:00 pm. No more texts, no calls, nothing. I woke up at 3:00 am worried sick and unable to fall back to sleep for quite some time. He finally texted at 8 am and told me what happened, that he loved me and missed me, and wanted me to come home. Sweet, right?
It would be, if I didn't want his whole life to revolve around me when I feel vulnerable. He texted a few more times that morning, but stopped after 11 am.
And then, I did something really shameful. I turned into "crazy-girlfriend." Not only did I grasp for control by sending a few too many texts interrogating him and calling him more than once when he didn't answer (to my credit, there were hour long increments in between these things), I threatened to assume the Boyfriend was with a girl if he did not call me that instant.
He was with a girl alright, and admitted so in an immediate text back that read: "I'm with my mom!"
He spent his day helping his parents pick out and install a new fridge that did not fit through their doors - thus requiring him to dismantle parts of their house, the new fridge and the old fridge. My boyfriend was doing a nice, kind thing for his family, and here I was on my couch FUMING over how selfish he was. He wasn't being selfish, he was genuinely busy helping someone and I know that he hates texting when he does things like this because it is rude. Not only was he being selfless, he was being polite.
There are times when the Boyfriend acts like an idiot. Then there are times when I act like an idiot.
Today, I won the "who is the biggest idiot battle" by acting like the biggest fool on the planet. Thankfully he gave me the grace I fully needed and accepted my apology.
But he never pointed out my flaws, or my craziness or how I had offended him. Instead, he apologized to me for not letting me know he was safe. He assured me that he really does want me home. He promised that he does not want to party with the guys more than he wants to be in love with me. And he was patient with my fears. He also accepted my apology, no matter how horrible of an accusation it was.
I wish I didn't have this urge to control everything. I wish I could let go of the survival tactics I learned as a child. But it's not that easy to forget 20 years of tension. So I will keep going to counseling, and I will keep asking for grace. Thankfully, I have a boyfriend who gives it to me in heaps.
