Love

There is this song I like by Childish Gambino. It's called "That Power" I don't really like rap, that isn't why I like the song. The first two minutes are like any other of his songs but after that he tells a story. I can't know if it is a real story, but I like it, I relate to it. The story goes like this.
                                                                                                                                                                  



This is on a bus back from camp. I'm thirteen and so are you. Before I left for camp I imagined it would be me and three or four other dudes I hadn't met yet, running around all summer, getting into trouble. It turned out it would be me and just one girl. That's you. And we're still at camp as long as we're on the bus and not at the pickup point where our parents would be waiting for us. We're still wearing our orange camp t-shirts. We still smell like pineneedles. I like you and you like me and I more-than-like you, but I don't know if you do or don't more-than-like me. You've never said, so I haven't been saying anything all summer, content to enjoy the small miracle of a girl choosing to talk to me and choosing to do so again the next day and so on. A girl who's smart and funny and who, if I say something dumb for a laugh, is willing to say something two or three times as dumb to make me laugh, but who also gets weird and wise sometimes in a way I could never be. A girl who reads books that no one's assigned to her, whose curly brown hair has a line running through it from where she put a tie to hold it up while it was still wet
Back in the real world we don't go to the same school, and unless one of our families moves to a dramatically different neighborhood, we won't go to the same high school. So, this is kind of it for us. Unless I say something. And it might especially be it for us if I actually do say something. The sun's gone down and the bus is quiet. A lot of kids are asleep. We're talking in whispers about a tree we saw at a rest stop that looks like a kid we know. And then I'm like, “Can I tell you something?” And all of a sudden I'm telling you. And I keep telling you and it all comes out of me and it keeps coming and your face is there and gone and there and gone as we pass underneath the orange lamps that line the sides of the highway. And there's no expression on it. And I think just after a point I'm just talking to lengthen the time where we live in a world where you haven't said “yes” or “no” yet. And regrettably I end up using the word “destiny.” I don't remember in what context. Doesn't really matter. Before long I'm out of stuff to say and you smile and say, “okay.” I don't know exactly what you mean by it, but it seems vaguely positive and I would leave in order not to spoil the moment, but there's nowhere to go because we're are on a bus. So I pretend like I'm asleep and before long, I really am
I wake up, the bus isn't moving anymore. The domed lights that line the center aisle are all on. I turn and you're not there. Then again a lot of kids aren't in their seats anymore. We're parked at the pick-up point, which is in the parking lot of a Methodist church. The bus is half empty. You might be in your dad's car by now, your bags and things piled high in the trunk. The girls in the back of the bus are shrieking and laughing and taking their sweet time disembarking as I swing my legs out into the aisle to get up off the bus, just as one of them reaches my row. It used to be our row, on our way off. It's Michelle, a girl who got suspended from third grade for a week after throwing rocks at my head. Adolescence is doing her a ton of favors body-wise. She stops and looks down at me. And her head is blasted from behind by the dome light, so I can't really see her face, but I can see her smile. And she says one word: “destiny.” Then her and the girls clogging the aisles behind her all laugh and then she turns and leads them off the bus. I didn't know you were friends with them
I find my dad in the parking lot. He drives me back to our house and camp is over. So is summer, even though there's two weeks until school starts. This isn't a story about how girls are evil or how love is bad, this is a story about how I learned something and I'm not saying this thing is true or not, I'm just saying it's what I learned. I told you something. It was just for you and you told everybody. So I learned cut out the middle man, make it all for everybody, always. Everybody can't turn around and tell everybody, everybody already knows, I told them. But this means there isn't a place in my life for you or someone like you. Is it sad? Sure. But it’s a sadness I chose. I wish I could say this was a story about how I got on the bus a boy and got off a man more cynical, hardened, and mature and shit. But that's not true. The truth is I got on the bus a boy. And I never got off the bus. I still haven't.
                                                                                                                                                                  
I don't know why I like this but I have listened to it like 5 times today alone. I don't relate to the story, I have never gone to camp, I have never had a girl like her, nothing even related to this has happened to me. I guess me and Donald Glover are just similar people minus the talent and fame....

I'm taking a page from Donald's book of wisdom, I'm going to cut out the middle man that is what this blog is about, me exposing myself to the world with nothing to hide, making everything for everyone.
There is this girl and I think I am in love with her. I don't know what love is; love is not like happiness, or sadness, I have never experienced anything like what I am feeling and it freaks me out, I can't stop thinking about her. I had a meeting with the mayor today, the fucking mayor, and I still found myself distracted by the memory of her. I don't know what to do with this, I want to be with her like crazy, but I don't know if she even likes me at all in any way other than a friend. We are going to prom together (last I checked) so she obviously doesn't dislike me. I sent her an email this morning but she hasn't gotten back to me yet, as someone who gets paranoid if I go more than 5 minutes without checking to make sure nobody is trying to talk to me I find this to be a bit troubling, the email I sent her was not subtle at all I basically asked her out in  a 500 word rant about how I feel about her. I pray that I didn't scare her off. Ladies out there can I ask you something? Is it REALLY true that girls like a man who is open about his feelings? The way I am on this blog is the way I talked in my email, I told her exactly how I felt about her in a WAY to long email, most guys would use some pick up line and then boom they are in, it is no secret that that works. If some guy sent you an email that was over the top and completely emotional and honest what would you do? Please leave me a comment. This is the email, tell me exactly how much I fucked up. (We have known each other for years in school but just started talking online about a month ago)
                                                                                                                                                                  
I know that this is a little weird, but I guess that's just my style I'm a weird guy. I'm not sure how these things are supposed to go; I've never done anything like this. I feel I've made it fairly obvious that I like you, and we seem to get along well. I'm not sure how you feel about about me though it's hard when we haven't even really talked without the Internet separating us. So I guess what this is me asking you out. I know it's kinda hard with us living hours away from each other but I like you, and there is no one else that I like the way I like you; When I think of any other girl it's just sex, she comes to my mind and she is automatically naked. Don't get me wrong you are GORGEOUS but I never think of you like that and I don't know why. EVERY other girl I just think "I want to have sex with her" but with you it's more like "I REALLY want to like cuddle up with her and watch a movie" or something like that.
I know that this is coming out as a little bit to up front and honest but that is just me, I make things awkward that is just what I do!
Do with this what you will, But PLEASE don't say yes for any reason other than that you feel the same way; I'm not looking for a pity date, I'm looking for someone who I can share something with, someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her. If you don't feel the same way I totally understand and I won't take offense if you say no and I definitely want to stay friends, I guess I just wanted you to know this because I hate not being completely honest, I am a very honest and open person to people who I like and I like people who are also that way, tell me EXACTLY how you feel, even if it is something I don't want to hear.
I'm a lonely guy, I don't know how social interactions are supposed to work I guess I skipped that day of school but I'm tired of not trying! I would rather screw up anything that we might already have than not take a chance at having something better. I often have very vivid and detailed dreams, last night I had a dream that we were together, it wasn't a sex dream, we were just together laughing, talking, kissing, whatever. I'm not much for dream analysis but I liked that dream I didn't want to wake up and when I did I tried to get back there but it didn't work and I want that, I want a girlfriend, I want to be that guy in that couple that you see around town that makes you want to throw up because they look so happy. So that is why I decided to write this, and if you are reading this I guess I had the balls to send it.
This probably make me seem like a giant emotional pussy, but I've heard that that isn't necessarily a bad thing when it comes to girls.
You don't have to answer right now, you don't even have to tell me that you saw this we can just go on like this never happened, take as much time as you need to think it out. I want a real answer. I just wanted you to know how I feel.
Nick McDonald