Make Room for New Traditions as You Grieve This Holiday Season

My daughters and Godson, renewing an old tradition of making refrigerator cookies

I wanted to write especially to those of you who are in your early holiday seasons following your initiation into the Griever’s Club.

It was twenty-three years ago for me.

There are those of us who have the one holiday season where it wasn’t the same anymore. We all have different circumstances, but many of our feelings are the same.

Instead of excitement, we feel a sense of dread which we attempt to hide from our loved ones which just makes the anxiety even bigger.

I remember the first Christmas after my daughter, Marlena, died.

I pretended it wasn’t Christmas.

I worked one of my three jobs. I ignored tradition. I got on with my day as a week from hell proceeded to do whatever it wanted to do.

This year we plan a family trip to Disneyland. It will be the least Christmas-y Christmas to me since that one back in 1990.

I was angry when I heard the plan which was made without consulting me.

I’ve slowly warmed up to it and have even talked about how to modify our normal rituals: we can still look at Christmas lights on Christmas eve, it will simply be in Anaheim rather than Bakersfield. We will have a tree in our hotel room, but it will be artificial and much smaller than usual. There are Ciaran and katherine dreaming the dream fewer gifts – the expensive trip is a gift itself – but there will be incredible memories for my children as one I am sure they will all remember.

It is actually a great model for dealing with an important holiday celebration after a significant loss.

Creating new traditions while remembering what was in the past is one of the best ways to get through it all. I wish I hadn’t ignored my first Christmas. I wish I hadn’t stayed away from my extended family celebration. I wish I had faced it with even the tiniest sliver of joy and simply modified some of the traditions.

This is what hindsight and a lot more experience with grief teaches you.

One tradition I have annually is to read this poem aloud, even if I am the only one listening.

We Remember Them

by Sylvan Kamens & Rabbi Jack Riemer

At the rising of the sun and at its going down
   We remember them.
At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter
   We remember them.
At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring
   We remember them.
At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer
   We remember them.
At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn
   We remember them.
At the beginning of the year and when it ends
   We remember them.
   When we are weary and in need of strength
   We remember them.
When we are lost and sick at heart
   We remember them.
When we have joy we crave to share
   We remember them.
When we have decisions that are difficult to make
We remember them.
When we have achievements that are based on theirs
We remember them.
As long as we live, they too will live; for they are now a part of us as we remember them.

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May you feel as many blessings as possible this holiday season.

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Baltimore writing Julie Jordan Scott is a writer, performance poet, Mommy and mixed-media artist. Her word-love themed art will be for sale at First Friday each month in Downtown Bakersfield. Check out the links below to follow her on a bunch of different social media channels, especially if you find the idea of a Word-Love Party bus particularly enticing.