I know this is going to get better, but right now it’s about all I can do to put one foot in front of the other, so that’s kind of all I’m doing. My schedule is demanding, but its rigors and structure really do provide a foundation that keeps me moving and keeps me focused. I’m not eating much at all, but I also haven’t weighed myself since yesterday (down 2 pounds), haven’t taken my vitamins like I usually do, haven’t been able to straighten things up around the house, haven’t been able to call/text friends back, haven’t been able to think about all the upcoming social engagements we have, haven’t been able to write, haven’t been able to sleep.
So I just keep moving. I hope you will all forgive my absence. I’m doing my best to stay grounded and stay present, but in reality, I have never been so overwhelmed. By everything. I feel entirely obligated to so much stuff (the least of which are my scheduled activities, so it’s not that I’m doing too much) and I can’t even see clearly…. my vision is perpetually blurred, I exercise compulsively, my head aches, I don’t sleep, I don’t eat, I’m not even sure I’m drinking enough water. I am constantly on the verge of tears, but never feel able to cry. The strange contradiction of it all is that I can still pull it all together. I appear composed, cheerful, capable… but don’t be mistaken. I’m a hot mess.
The only thing I know for certain: the sun is the only thing that gives me peace. My nausea and fretting dissolves as soon as I lie down and let the sun in, and so I’ve made it a priority to make sure I get those minutes of stillness, hung in the warmth of our star.
