This is my first entry in a series of posts this month that will follow Oprah’s Lifeclass. I found these questions to be fairly difficult but did gain some perspective once I got through them all. These questions have ulitmately left me with the realization that I truly need to work on my self esteem and break the way I see myself: a victim.
Copied from my saved workbook:
Your ego is your defense—showing up whenever you pretend to be someone you’re not. That’s why finding the space where the true you abides is paramount. These workbook questions were curated by Martha Beck. The goal is to continue the conversation and go deeper into the lesson. Your answers are private, no one else can see them.
1. What is the one thing that you most identify yourself with (your looks, your job, your family, etc.)? Who would you be if that were to disappear?
I identify myself with my appearance. I do not know who I would be were that to disappear.
2. How do you think others see you? How many of your choices are made to maintain this image?
Sometimes I believe that other people see me as attractive, stylish and confident. Other times (more often recently) I believe people to view me as insecure, unsure, and powerless. In either case, I make no effort to maintain an image. My image is dependent on how I feel emotionally.
3. Think of any area where you judge yourself as either inferior to others or superior to them. This is your ego jockeying for position. Fess up to that, and you’ll have moved beyond ego—simply by recognizing it.
When things are running smoothly in my life (I am feeling in control) I tend to think I have it all together and I am inferior to others who may be having a hard time in life. When things are going badly and I feel I have no control I feel everyone else is superior; their lives are easier, they are more powerful, and I am jealous of them.
4. Are you constantly feeling disrespected? When is the last instance you felt you were treated badly? Why?
I feel constantly disrespeted by my children and ex-husband. The last incident was last night when my son (12) told me to “shut the f*ck up.” I believe I was disrespected because no child should speak to their mother that way.
5. What choices have you made that are genuine expressions of who you are and in alignment with what you want from life? What choices, in hindsight, took you away from the person you really are, into an image fabricated by your mind and your society?
I have separated from my toxic marriage and sought out therapy for myself and 2 children in order to heal from the mental and physical abuse we endured over the past 12 years. The desicion 7 years ago to return to my husband after a 3 year separation took away from the person I truly am. While being in a unhappy and unstable environment I wore a “mask” and pretended that everything was fine and that I was happy for many years.
6. List choices you’re facing now, whether big or small, and explore which are the ego-driven options and which represent those of your true self.
The choices I am facing now are to cave in to all of the anger and hurt I am still dealing with and give up (which would be easy) or continue searching for true strength to move through this difficult time.
7. A lot of what we think of as ego is based on fear—of not being good enough, of not meeting others’ expectations. How much of your relationships are based on what you think other people expect from you? Start by thinking of those closest to you.
I believe that my children and ex-husband expect that I will fail.
8. What role do you play at home, at work or in the world? What roles do you assign others? What would happen if you were to become aware of these roles and make them less important?
I am currently playing the victim sprinkled with a warrior. I expect that my children will fight with me and resist getting through these hard times because it is difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think in recognizing that these are the roles I see us playing I will be able to let them go, because they are not positive roles and will not benefit us at all.
Resource: http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/daily-life-work.html
